Thank you Ms. Patti...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Are you familiar with Patti LaBelle’s “New Attitude”? Well this is my theme for 2009.

Actually after three years of dealing with a medical issue (yes, it was the 'size of a grapefruit' but it wasn't the kind of tumor that will kill you), at the end of November I got the news I’ve been waiting for. It came from a sweet Santa Clause faced doctor in Boston. He said, “There’s nothing else that can be done that is guaranteed so the ileostomy is permanent. Permanent – as in: not going away, it's forever, it’s here, it’s weird, get used to it.

95% of you don’t know much about me. This blog was originally an experiment I wanted to try, to get me writing the next great novel. Today, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I never wanted or rather during the last 3 years, and 4 surgeries later, never wanted to get to know this thing called an ileostomy. I didn’t want to be its friend. I wanted it to go back where it was originally, I wanted to have my body back. I wanted to look the same way I did, slim and a great 4-pac from years Pilates. It seems that God had a very different plan. Frankly, and honestly (believe me he knows so this is no secret) I’m really pissed off!!

There I was 41, in great shape, and finally with a good guy. These are supposed to be the happiest times in my life right? WRONG! The surgery, a radical hysterectomy which removed this tumor, left me 37 lbs lighter (looking emaciated – great diet, wouldn’t recommend it), but more than the weight loss during this time, I lost me. I felt out of shape after now months of not being able to exercise, never clean enough no matter how often I showered, and just not of my own body. The once vibrant woman became frustrated, angry, depressed and for the first time the person who ‘fixed every one else’s problems, kissed their boo-boos and made them better’, I couldn’t fix my own. Neither could anyone else.

It seemed every 6 months there was a new procedure; trying a new way. Another overnight round of poking/probing and more good drugs to help with the pain. I’ve had this procedure so often I knew my anesthesiologists by name. Another woman whose name happens to be ‘Lisa’ and yes given our ‘relationship’, we’ve become friends. She is the one who made sure I felt no pain and had a wonderful sleep. She was also the one who ever so gently made sure I woke up. I am forever grateful to her warm hands in a cold operating room, and being the last smiling face I saw, assuring me that it would be over soon.

I have gone through the ‘waiting and hoping and wishing and praying’ only to wait 3 months, re-do the very painful exam and tests and be told that it didn’t work…this time. Of course it is expected that I would keep it together, keep a brave face, continue to be ‘strong’, keep moving on with life because after all…it’s not ‘really cancer’…as if the loss of a body part (and one I grew pretty fond of) and what it signifies, is any less a loss.

The pain, numbed for the surgery would come back 100fold every time I heard the words ‘it didn’t work’. It was a roller-coaster ride that wouldn't stop. The highs were so high and I was so hopeful. The lows so low, that I survived as it were, on 3 hrs of sleep a night. I wish I could adequately put into words what this, no I allowed this to do, to my life. A lot of areas in my life suffered. I missed out on or in all honesty half-stepped on a joyous time for a friend. Not just any friend, my BF. In all my frustration for surgery #4, I couldn’t fully embrace her pregnancy but I tried. While happy for her and shopping for this new baby, I found myself in Babies R Us and when the sales girl asked me when I was due, the bottom of my heart dropped. You see with all the weight I’d lost immediately after the surgery, I gained it all back and then some. The stoma sticks out and causes the ‘illusion’ of a small baby bump. As this poor girl apologized when I told her I wasn’t pregnant I realized something. The woman I shared everything with, my sista-girl, the person whose secrets I know and who knows mine, the one I shared every hope and dream with, I couldn’t share this with her. I would never feel a baby kick inside me. I would never know the 'joy' that so many women including my own mother shared…and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

AND if one more person tells me “Well you can always adopt.” I’m going to SCREAM…LOUDLY!! Even though, maybe one day I will.

Wanting to rejoice, I instead withdrew. Wanting to know what it felt like, I found it hard to look at her growing belly. Wanting to be with her, to fuss for her, we both kept our distance not wanting to cause the other pain. There was self-pity, self-doubt, in other words…not a happy time. I needed to get a grip on so many things that happened but most of all, why I couldn’t be fixed. Why people couldn’t understand what this was doing to me (mentally, emotionally, physically), how to feel ‘whole again’. Why life was moving backwards, and yes I went into “Why Me” mode. The answer was simple…Why Not Me?!

A cold-grey day after my relocation to Boston (a temporary thing), yet another new doctor, 4-double scotches (yes, single malt), feeling desperately alone and more tears than I can count, I came to grips with what will be my new life. You see, I found out sitting in the public gardens of Boston, that I had a choice. I could continue to feel sorry for myself, or I could embrace (no matter how sucky it is) the changes I’ve gone through and would continue to go through. I could ask for forgiveness not only of my family and friends, but from myself. It seems my expectations are too high.

Don’t get me wrong I HATE it and surgery #5 is early next year. I still feel like a whale; would give anything for 1 full night sleep and dare I say give up sleep, just to feel sexy again. Hopefully that too will come...soon.

During this time I had two other friends: one who also gave birth to a beautiful little girl and another who was finally successful in conceiving. My joy for them was and comes from a different place. They are friends yes, but our connections are different - does that make any sense? Most recently I met a woman at Memorial Sloan-Kettering while waiting to see my doctor who I struck up a conversation with. Somehow the topic of children came up I explained to her my situation. She, a much older woman also had also had hysterectomy in her early 40's. She shared with me that all the sisters, cousins in her life had children and she rejoiced in their pregnancies, but when her BF became pregnant, there was something that happened that caused them to go through a similar rough time. When I asked her what happened in the end, she said that they went through their time feeling their way and slowly worked their way back. She is now the god-mother to this womans second child, and their friendship has lasted 30+ years.

So what happened to my BF? Well, she had a healthy baby boy, came through fine and now it would seem, she is happy (or maybe delirious from her own lack of sleep). In the end I hope that she will share with me this new life as she shared with me hours before his delivery. That conversation was an amazing gift. Yes we were texting each other the next morning in between her pushing, and me driving to visit my family in another state – modern technology. I'm hoping that our friend/sister-ship will find it's way back - even though she may say it never truly left. That it was on a crazy vacation, and now it's on the way back home. Maybe this child was the breath I was holding for the last nine-months and his safe birth allowed me to exhale. I do know as I saw the text that he arrived and they were both safe, I felt a sense of peace I’d not felt in a very, very long time.

So 2009 is going to be a 're-do' year. While I would love to take back the last 3 yrs I can’t…but this year was my leap-birthday year so yea, I can do that. I was having a conversation with someone that has helped a lot. She said that things usually happen in 3s’…and after that it all gets better. So you know what… Jan 18th it will be 3 yrs and then…it should get better. Actually, it’s getting better already. Even though surgery #5 is a few days after that, I’m hopeful yet my expectations, zero, zilch, nadda, none. See Change isn't just for Obama :-)

I want to know in my heart that after this next procedure I’ve done everything I could. That I’ve tried every option made available to me. Then and only then, can I shut this heavy door. That I can allow my heart to be open to what ever possibility that comes next. To be able to love and laugh freely and with a light spirit. I have learned and grown in a way I didn’t think possible. I want to thank Ms. Patti for being so divine and gracious and saying that it will all be ok. I really want to thank Annie Leibovitz for giving me the best photography advice ever. I am forever honored that she took a photo of us together with my camera. I carry around that picture with me as a reminder of what is possible. I guess anything is possible when you reach out to people and say, "This load is too heavy, can you please help me." The key is to accept what ever level of help they can provide, without expectation but with gratitude. Maybe even moreso when you say honestly "I'm sorry", they will forgive you.

So here’s to a new year, a new life, and a new attitude. There are no promises that I won’t ‘lose my mind’ at sometime in the future, but I hope that with complete understanding and love, I will continue to move forward and life will be as it's meant to be. For a very lucky woman living in a city I love, with family and friends and finding the strength to control the only thing I can...Me.

New Attitude: Ms. Patti LaBelle

Runnin’ hot,
Runnin’ cold,
I was runnin’ into overload,
That was extreme.

It took it so high, so low, so low there
was nowhere to go like a bad dream.

(Chorus)
Somehow that wires uncrossed,
The tables were turned,
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn.

I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes,
Know where I am going and I know what to do,
I've tidied up my point of view,
I've got a new attitude.

I'm in control,
My worries are few,
'Cause I got love like I never knew,
ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo...
I've got a new attitude,

I am wearing a new dress, a new hair,
Brand new ideas, as a matter of fact,
I've changed for good.

It must have been the cold nights, new moon,
New slight change
More that to figure, but I feel like I should, yes

Chorus…