Did I do 25 in 52?

As I go over the list - I have mixed feelings.

The 'old' me is saying "you said you would do all these and you didn't - you failed".
The new me is saying "you really did 3/4 of them and that totally rocks!!"

So what didn't I complete....you know, the only one I'll disclose is the bikini. I didn't go any where warm and the scar still has me freaked out a bit, so no bikini in 09', but look out 2010.

It's funny that thing they call self-talk. What I find is that I spend more time than I need, finding my faults instead of saluting all the good things about myself. I have gotten a lot better, but I still have moments of doubt, despair and just plain fear. I wasn't one who got scared before, I don't know where it came from but it's here. You know, those moments of panic that I forgot someones birthday, or did I lock the car door, or is my zipper up?

Well there will be a new list next year, as soon as I can figure out what I want. Will I add the things I didn't finish this year...hmmm, maybe not. Maybe there aren't supposed to be finished, but just there for me to dream about. Maybe they were there as a stepping stone for my true self to dare to come into being again. Maybe, they were there, just because it sounded good. I don't know - I'm not that smart, nor that sneaky and frankly, it's way too early in the AM to ponder it.

I do know that I'm going to begin a list of things I want to do in the next 10 years and they will be BIG. I'm thinking...about 3-5 per year and if I do them out of order, or finish them up before that particular year is over,...I'll just move to the next year and add new dreams on the back end.

Yea, that's the ticket. So I hope you are dreaming big and if you have any suggestions, let me know. After all, you never know...

Farewell Montreal...

The phone blares at 6:00am. In all of my brilliance decided I wanted to spend an early morning photo shooting. Well, that didn't happen. Instead, I lounged in bed until 7am when the sun started to rise. Sunrises and sunsets are my favorite times of the day. Yes, it may have something to do with orange being my favorite color, but more than that, each holds it's own 'promise of things to come'.


My last day to run around, and take photos of beautiful Montreal. They don't have Christmas windows like NY, but some of their decorations in their malls are lovely. Oh....I will say that the 5 block underground city is amazing. All you do is enter, and you really never have to come out for hours. There are tons of stores, every block section has it's own food court, and they range from the reasonably priced to the uber expensive mall. Last breakfast, bookstore visit - I had to check out their bridal magazine collection. Today, it's 14 degrees. While I will miss lots here, the weather is not among them.

With good-by said to the staff, the ride back to the airport has me filled with mixed feelings. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. This trip was a success and I was only sick once. I learned a lot, had fun, met some really cool people, wrote a letters to my friends and will walk away with the knowledge that I can do trips alone...no with myself, once again. I guess when you get so used to traveling with a road-dog, the first time solo...is like the first time once again. Not that I wouldn't mind a girls-trip again...I know that it will come again, in time.

Ah....There are lots of beautiful skylines. I'm always excited to see the cities from 25,000 feet in the air, but there are none more beautiful than NYC. It's great to come home no matter how much fun I had. I'm looking forward to 2010 and all the new adventures that will come and maybe - no I'll absolutely visit Montreal again (just when it's much warmer).

So much to do, le si petit temps (so little time)

What a great night's sleep. I feel totally like a new person!!

Breakfast is European style and expansive. Cheeses, fresh fruit (where do you get such sweet melon in the dead of winter?) coffee, tea, fresh breads, cereals and lots of juice and coffee. Greeted by one of the managers, frankly I'm surprised that she is back so early, looking so FRESH!

Camera - check, boots - check, warm hat (thanks mom!!) - check, gloves, sunshine I'm ready for day two.

Today is going to be fun. I'm going to actually meet up with some of the girls I've been tweeting with. I absolutely love twitter for that. I sent a note last week asking for women in the bridal industry who live in Montreal to reach out and boy did they ever. We're meeting for lunch at 2pm at Le Cartet in Old Montreal. This is a great coffee house with long tables, great groovy french music, amazing food and lots of good energy!! Since I only know Nadine, I wait for her to arrive which she does with Karina, Carrie, Kim, Nadine and Lynn. These are some of the wedding professionals in Montreal, but more than that, really cool girls.

While the food was tasty, I really loved the ease of conversation and flow between french and english. We laughed a lot and then went to Nadine's house to meet her new baby Tess. Very cute little girl...I may have a little boy or two here for her to meet (since they are all between 8month and 1yr old - hey, you never know!!). We ended the night with going to an event that was equivalent to etsy - where they had some new artists showcase their work. Some if it was really beautiful. I loved meeting them and know we'll be great friends.

I hated saying good night to the ladies but it was a long, cold day and I had dinner plans. When I walk the 4 blocks (and I mean super long up a hill in the snow kind of blocks) from the event to the hotel, I am greeted by thumping music, great smelling food and a red-rope that wasn't there last night. I guess the party has begun.

By now, I've made friends with the bar and restaurant staff. I will say honestly, there are NO ugly people in Montreal. I've walked around, been in/out of shops and truly have not seen anyone who was not attractive. HOWEVER...these folks, here...took it to an completely different level. I ask Bridget (aka Peanut) where is a good place to eat and she recommends 'Grande Manager' in Old Montreal. Seems her friend is a manager there. She warns that I may need reservations, but there is a bar with seats. Since I don't mind that, actually prefer that, I grab a cab and head over to find this place.

What I walk into is a very small, very dark, very french and charming restaurant. It's packed yet there are 4 seats at the bar. The manager makes her way past the waiters and TV crew (more later), and asks me if I have a reservation. I ask "Are you Jessica?" "Yes I am" "Well Bridget, uh Peanut recommended that I come for dinner." "Well, we are expecting another group, but you can sit at the bar, perhaps have a drink for a few moments to see if they show up?" That's fine. Well, actually I'm hoping they don't show up. The food smells amazing!

Lobster, rabbit, veil, beef and tons of puff-pastry-filled goodies. To make this night really special, the chef was creating new tastings that they were passing around for guests to sample. I hear the chef Chuck Hughes, is a TV star and actually they were filming him tonight. I had the lobster risotto which was so rich and filling, I could barely finish it all...but I did :-) Jessica said that I was more than welcome to stay as the restaurant usually had a good crowd of people that arrived around 10pm and danced until the early hours of the morning. I did stay for a while as the music changed I realized that I am getting old. Too loud music a bit much for me. But it was fun for a while.

After a wonderful meal, I was lucky to get a cab almost immediately and then head back to the hotel. Too tired to get pretty tonight I just dump the boots, put on my shoes (oh, the really cool ones from Morocco), fresh make-up and back down stairs. Hey it's my last night in Montreal and I can party if I want to (or can stay up is really more like it) The music is thumping....and more beautiful young and old(er) people. Some really handsome men - I mean to tell you!! The women, I mean beyond beautiful and all wearing barely any clothes. I hope they came in warm coats!

I did what I do best...grabbed a glass of Champagne (of course), and grabbed a seat to watch the fun. Lots of students from McGill college (which isn't that far from the hotel), business men, and locals all are here for a night of fun. The music is great, I met some new friends and at 1am, I head up stairs. The party is going on strong.

As I entered my hotel room for the last time, it was warm, turned down service and the only thing that made the night more perfect, was the hot bath (in the jumbo tub) and then the light of the moon falling gently through my window. I fell asleep in a happy, content, and mentally refreshed.

Montreal a combination of old and new

The streets begin to look familiar. I walk about 3 miles before I head back to the hotel to meet with the general manager. Jacques (and Katherine) who are both very sweet, very corporate, very professional and I can tell are used to a ‘hard-nose’ kind of industry professional. That's sooo not my way to interview.

I’m shown all over the hotel, restaurant and club. I’m also told that things really start to kick off around 10pm. Once I have a few moments with Jacques he begins to relax and his true personality begins to show. He is fun and knows his stuff. We make plans to meet up for dinner around 7pm and I’m left with more brochures to review.

Meeting done, back out in the cold and lights of Montreal.

“Lisa, we have a few friends her from Toronto, would you like to join or do you just want to have dinner with me?” Jacques asks
“No, I’d love to meet your friends.” With that, I’m told to drop my stuff in the room and meet them at the bar in about 10 min. Just enough time for me to splash my face with warm water (I’m totally frozen), and get out of the clunky boots.

This is the first time in 3 yrs that I actually put on a really pretty-girly top and black jeans. Frankly, I look totally hot!

What I didn’t realize is what I was getting into. Ian, Michelle, Jacques, Donald and I had a BLAST. We ordered about five appetizers and courses which was all served family style. The portions were huge and oh so good. Lots of great conversation, 4 bottles of wine and cognacs later, kisses on both cheeks and I bid bonne nuit (good night) to my new friends. As I leave, I can feel the energy of the restaurant change – the beautiful people are coming and the party is just about to begin. Well, maybe this 'beautiful person' will catch up with them tomorrow night.

Comfortably back in my room, I take a shower and settle into the king sized goose-down bed and sigh. Truly exhausted because I’ve been up for now almost 41 hrs, it was easy to finally fall into a blissful French sleep.

Canadian Security, the White House is on the phone…

I have my luggage (a small roller-bag and my camera equipment) and not knowing how long the ride from the airport to the hotel is, well...I make a pit stop. The bathrooms are extremely clean, no wait and the most stalls for woman that I've seen at any airport in my travels. After I 'refresh', there is the LONG corridor that you have to walk down - of course the rolling sidewalk isn't turned on yet...because we are the first flight in...so all I hear is the 'clomp-clomp' of my boots and the swish of the luggage wheels. Normally I don't get scared, but honestly being alone with no one in sight is a bit creepy.

"Welcome to Customs."

Why are customs people so grumpy – I mean honestly it’s 9AM…what pissed you off already? Because I’m just so ‘happy’ I try to coax a smile out of the agent. Not happening. Finally he asked me where I lived (one of the 7 questions he asked. I was waiting for him to ask my blood type!), and when I said “Brooklyn”, you could see a light go off. Seems he has family there and he was coming for a visit in a few months. I said, maybe I’ll see you. While we both know the probability is really slim, he did smile and wish me a good stay. WHEW!! Considering the recent crash of the white house, maybe our security could learn something - just a suggestion.

Only four more security checks before I can actually exit the airport, grab a taxi and take the ride to the Opus Montreal Hotel.

As I am driven down St. Catherine, I remember the last time I was in Montreal. It was with my BFF in Nov of 2003 (I think), and we were having a blast. We discovered that our favorite brand at the time “Lush” arrived from London and opened a new shop there. All the yummy soaps and bath bombs…we were delirious. When we heard they were going to open one in NY-well we were doing the happy dance. That meant we didn’t have to ‘import’ tons of this stuff anymore, we could just get it at home. I remember another friend of ours Kristin, that day was her birthday so we called her walking down Rue Sherborne singing “Happy Birthday” loudly to her on my phone and got the “crazy American” looks from the people around us. We didn’t care; we were having fun.

This time it’s just me…off on another adventure…new discoveries.

The Opus Montreal Hotel is a relatively new boutique hotel located at 70 Sherbrook Ouest. This is NOT your typical US boutique hotel. I arrived at 10:30am and immediately shown my room. Now did they do that just for me, or because I’m 'media'? The truth is I saw them welcome another party, so maybe they are prepared for early arrivals. Imagine that…prepared for your guests so they feel welcome and don’t have to wait.

Originally, I was in the Orange room and completely blown away. Large, colorful and beautifully arranged I felt as if I walked into an apt and not a hotel room. Obviously this isn’t a normal ‘boutique’. The shower (ok for you guys who read this. Girls check out closet space and bathrooms – that’s how we judge a good hotel) was all glass encased, very chic fixtures and amenities and a 42inch flat screen tv. Yes this room had it all.

Happy to settle in my phone rings.

“Madame, I just received word from my manager that we would like to upgrade your room to a suite”.

"What type of room is this?"

"Oh, that is a regular room. I didn’t realize and we want you to be comfortable. A suite just became available so I’ll have a valet come and move you."

Ok…is about all I could muster…THIS IS A REGULAR ROOM??

Five minutes later, I’m in my new suite, which is taupe colored, a room that is larger than some NY apts and again my mouth drops open. This time I have a shower AND a SUPER-SIZED TUB.

They will never get me to leave.

Since my first meeting with the manager isn’t for a few hours, I grab my camera and go looking for my first adventure.

Montreal, here I come!!

The song “Leaving on a jet plane” is playing in my ear. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving in a few hrs on my first solo trip in years, and I’m excited. It’s more likely because I’ve been up since yesterday 3:00am and am delirious.

So what’s so important about this trip and where am I going?

Destination: Montreal Canada

Airline: Continental Airlines

Location: Opus Montreal Hotel

Time: 3 Days

Temperature predictions: 14-31 – Brrrrr!!

Waiting at Newark airport before the crack of dawn has only one benefit – I’m here before the rush, so there is no wait at the security line.

“Any liquids, perishables, explosives?” – Nah, only perishable is my string cheese, which I’m going to eat as soon as I put my shoes back on. I hate wearing my snow boots because, well you know for security purposes, you have to nearly strip before they let you go through.

Ok, I know your next question is “why have I been up for over 28 hrs?” – I wasn’t feeling well yesterday and I woke up at 3AM. Well, once I’m up, I’m up. It’s a curse!! The bottom line, I really didn’t want to take the chance of sleeping through the alarm, so I stayed up and figured that I would sleep on the plane.

Once on the plane, I settled down for what was about a 20 second nap. Between the flight attendant bumping me in the shoulder with the cart (really small plane) as soon as our beverage and pretzels were served, the captain said “we have begun our decent into Montreal.”

As I look out the window, all I see is S-N-O-W. I was prepared for it, but reality (especially when I left NY, the high for the day was going to be 50) is something different. But I’m game for a challenge and as we land I’m as excited as a child at Christmas. I’m in Montreal, a place that holds so many great memories for me and I can officially say ‘it’s a business trip’. YEA!!!

A good quote can make you go hmmmm

A few days ago I happened upon this quote:

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

I thought to myself – this is the story of my life…or at least the life I have lived the last 3.5 yrs. My reality was as follows:

I can no longer wear heels

I can no longer eat what I want to because it clogs the illy

I can’t go anywhere without fear that this bag will explode – which it has done several times

I can no longer be in a bikini

I am no longer sexy or appealing to anyone

I can no longer wear form-fitting clothes or anything smaller than a size14

I will never be able to function like I did before

I will never be able to trust people I thought of as friends, family, or any other title given again

I will always feel let-down, disappointed

No one truly understands what it’s like to live like this day in, day out

I will just have to fake it until it becomes a part of life like brushing my teeth

I will have to fake it because

I won’t ever feel whole again.

These are just a few of the things I battled daily – no hourly with living with an ileostomy. I often felt like the stereotypical ‘fat’ person…you never see a sad ‘fat’ person…so those moments – the real moments when pain ripped though my body, moments when I spent hours crying because that was truly all I could do, when asked I simply responded “I’m fine” because the history with some was “they really don’t want to hear the truth anyway”.

So life is taking on a different reality – it’s a 2 X 2.5 X 2.5 hole that is where my ‘illy’ used to be. By all things natural I’m thrilled even as I look at the crater that is packed with gauze daily by my nurse. I know that it will close itself in a few weeks and then as someone said “life will get back to normal”. My question is “what is that?” What is ‘normal’?

This quote makes me think about my life, my family, my friends…and what reality is. Reality isn’t that they necessarily stop caring – they just go on with life. Reality isn’t necessarily that after an event that is important to YOU (meaning me!!) should be allowed to be minimized by people who have no clue to what you’ve gone through and even less to whom you really are. Reality doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments of sadness, or tears or still an occasional pity-party. Reality is that each of us heals on our own time. No one can rush the process; no one can tell you to get over it; no one can take away what is your present reality.

So what does this have to do with the quote…well my changes started in December and yes I still have my faults. A lot of them perhaps, but I’m not the same person I was circa 2006. I’m not the same person I was circa June 30, 2009. I’m hoping I won’t be the same person in a few months from now. I’m hoping I’ll be more grounded, more self-assured, more confident. I don’t want to be the ‘old Lisa’…I couldn’t even if I did want to. That person in effect – died and so did some of her dreams. What I want is for people who are my friends, for my family, to acknowledge that this was a journey that I traveled alone. Even with well wishes, and prayer…it was something – no an existence that I lived alone. Daily. Now, I’m moving past it – maybe not as quickly as you would like…hey, it’s not as quickly as I would like, but there is another Lisa that will emerge out of the ashes, like a Phoenix and I will fly again. I will live again. I AM Living Now.

I guess the moral of this as I re-read what I’ve just written…is ‘closure’ is finally happening.

Turn off the lights and let the world continue to shine

On Saturday, March 28, 2009, at 8:30 pm, I am taking part in Earth Hour-a global event in which millions of people will turn out their lights to make a statement of concern about our planet and climate change. I want to invite you to join, too! Sponsored by World Wildlife Fund, Earth Hour got started just two years ago and is now the largest event of its kind in the world. Last year, more than 50 million participated and the lights went out at the Empire State Building, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Sydney Opera House and the Coliseum in Rome, just to name a few. Even Google's homepage went black for the day! In Israel, President Shimon Peres personally turned off lights in Tel Aviv.

This year, Earth Hour will be even bigger-already 250 cities in 74 countries have agreed to take part including Atlanta, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami and Nashville with more signing up every day. Around the world cities like Moscow, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Shanghai and Mexico City will turn out their lights.

But Earth Hour isn't just for big cities-anyone can participate. To get a better sense of the event, check out this video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjWD8pbK5t8

Participating in Earth Hour is easy, fun and free. I hope you will join me for this amazing event. To sign up, visit http://www.earthhourUS.org where you'll learn more including ways you can spread the word about Earth Hour, plus creative things to do when the lights go out in case you need inspiration!

We want the US to turn out more lights than any other country in the world during this historic event so please pass this note along to anyone you think might want to take part. Let's all turn out and take action on March 28 at 8:30 pm.

Chase takes it from the street

This past week I had a great opportunity. I was heading to my favorite addiction (Border bookstore) on my way to look for a book
when I happened upon an artist beginning to paint a very large mural. The air was thick with the smell of paint, not regular paint - spray paint. As I rounded the corner from the escalator I looked at the outline of this…design just at the beginning stages. Ok, so you have to understand…this was happening on Columbus Circle in NYC…not exactly the street capital of the world.

The ‘street’ artist Chase was just beginning to outline a project for “Western Union” on the second level of the shopping center. If you’re not familiar with Chase, let me tell you a bit about him.

Chase, a Belgium transplant now lives in Los Angeles and paints free murals around the world depicting young children with the text next to them saying: “Remember Who You Are”. Actually, he has many different ‘sayings’ that can be seen through out his various works. While he did formally study art, it seems he was ‘kicked out of art school’ and only then found his true voice.

He says” Painting seems to be a source of happiness for me, when a few days go by without having painted; I feel the need to re-connect with myself through painting. I get psyched on the smallest variations in my work, and the meditative aspect of it is not unimportant either. Once a work is finished, I can’t wait to start another because I want to apply the new things I just thought of, no matter how small they may be…it gets addictive!”

I simply say his work is really cool and it’s really a pleasure to meet an artist whose work I have known and enjoyed around the world.

So why was he here – As I said Western Union was doing a presentation here in NYC and they wanted to get people interested in their product and what a better way then through art. The final piece will be moved to their corporate headquarters in Denver.

Some days it’s really pretty cool to walk around the city and see things. Sometimes the city…frankly is just the city. Other days it’s art where you least expect it.

Thank you Ms. Patti...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Are you familiar with Patti LaBelle’s “New Attitude”? Well this is my theme for 2009.

Actually after three years of dealing with a medical issue (yes, it was the 'size of a grapefruit' but it wasn't the kind of tumor that will kill you), at the end of November I got the news I’ve been waiting for. It came from a sweet Santa Clause faced doctor in Boston. He said, “There’s nothing else that can be done that is guaranteed so the ileostomy is permanent. Permanent – as in: not going away, it's forever, it’s here, it’s weird, get used to it.

95% of you don’t know much about me. This blog was originally an experiment I wanted to try, to get me writing the next great novel. Today, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I never wanted or rather during the last 3 years, and 4 surgeries later, never wanted to get to know this thing called an ileostomy. I didn’t want to be its friend. I wanted it to go back where it was originally, I wanted to have my body back. I wanted to look the same way I did, slim and a great 4-pac from years Pilates. It seems that God had a very different plan. Frankly, and honestly (believe me he knows so this is no secret) I’m really pissed off!!

There I was 41, in great shape, and finally with a good guy. These are supposed to be the happiest times in my life right? WRONG! The surgery, a radical hysterectomy which removed this tumor, left me 37 lbs lighter (looking emaciated – great diet, wouldn’t recommend it), but more than the weight loss during this time, I lost me. I felt out of shape after now months of not being able to exercise, never clean enough no matter how often I showered, and just not of my own body. The once vibrant woman became frustrated, angry, depressed and for the first time the person who ‘fixed every one else’s problems, kissed their boo-boos and made them better’, I couldn’t fix my own. Neither could anyone else.

It seemed every 6 months there was a new procedure; trying a new way. Another overnight round of poking/probing and more good drugs to help with the pain. I’ve had this procedure so often I knew my anesthesiologists by name. Another woman whose name happens to be ‘Lisa’ and yes given our ‘relationship’, we’ve become friends. She is the one who made sure I felt no pain and had a wonderful sleep. She was also the one who ever so gently made sure I woke up. I am forever grateful to her warm hands in a cold operating room, and being the last smiling face I saw, assuring me that it would be over soon.

I have gone through the ‘waiting and hoping and wishing and praying’ only to wait 3 months, re-do the very painful exam and tests and be told that it didn’t work…this time. Of course it is expected that I would keep it together, keep a brave face, continue to be ‘strong’, keep moving on with life because after all…it’s not ‘really cancer’…as if the loss of a body part (and one I grew pretty fond of) and what it signifies, is any less a loss.

The pain, numbed for the surgery would come back 100fold every time I heard the words ‘it didn’t work’. It was a roller-coaster ride that wouldn't stop. The highs were so high and I was so hopeful. The lows so low, that I survived as it were, on 3 hrs of sleep a night. I wish I could adequately put into words what this, no I allowed this to do, to my life. A lot of areas in my life suffered. I missed out on or in all honesty half-stepped on a joyous time for a friend. Not just any friend, my BF. In all my frustration for surgery #4, I couldn’t fully embrace her pregnancy but I tried. While happy for her and shopping for this new baby, I found myself in Babies R Us and when the sales girl asked me when I was due, the bottom of my heart dropped. You see with all the weight I’d lost immediately after the surgery, I gained it all back and then some. The stoma sticks out and causes the ‘illusion’ of a small baby bump. As this poor girl apologized when I told her I wasn’t pregnant I realized something. The woman I shared everything with, my sista-girl, the person whose secrets I know and who knows mine, the one I shared every hope and dream with, I couldn’t share this with her. I would never feel a baby kick inside me. I would never know the 'joy' that so many women including my own mother shared…and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

AND if one more person tells me “Well you can always adopt.” I’m going to SCREAM…LOUDLY!! Even though, maybe one day I will.

Wanting to rejoice, I instead withdrew. Wanting to know what it felt like, I found it hard to look at her growing belly. Wanting to be with her, to fuss for her, we both kept our distance not wanting to cause the other pain. There was self-pity, self-doubt, in other words…not a happy time. I needed to get a grip on so many things that happened but most of all, why I couldn’t be fixed. Why people couldn’t understand what this was doing to me (mentally, emotionally, physically), how to feel ‘whole again’. Why life was moving backwards, and yes I went into “Why Me” mode. The answer was simple…Why Not Me?!

A cold-grey day after my relocation to Boston (a temporary thing), yet another new doctor, 4-double scotches (yes, single malt), feeling desperately alone and more tears than I can count, I came to grips with what will be my new life. You see, I found out sitting in the public gardens of Boston, that I had a choice. I could continue to feel sorry for myself, or I could embrace (no matter how sucky it is) the changes I’ve gone through and would continue to go through. I could ask for forgiveness not only of my family and friends, but from myself. It seems my expectations are too high.

Don’t get me wrong I HATE it and surgery #5 is early next year. I still feel like a whale; would give anything for 1 full night sleep and dare I say give up sleep, just to feel sexy again. Hopefully that too will come...soon.

During this time I had two other friends: one who also gave birth to a beautiful little girl and another who was finally successful in conceiving. My joy for them was and comes from a different place. They are friends yes, but our connections are different - does that make any sense? Most recently I met a woman at Memorial Sloan-Kettering while waiting to see my doctor who I struck up a conversation with. Somehow the topic of children came up I explained to her my situation. She, a much older woman also had also had hysterectomy in her early 40's. She shared with me that all the sisters, cousins in her life had children and she rejoiced in their pregnancies, but when her BF became pregnant, there was something that happened that caused them to go through a similar rough time. When I asked her what happened in the end, she said that they went through their time feeling their way and slowly worked their way back. She is now the god-mother to this womans second child, and their friendship has lasted 30+ years.

So what happened to my BF? Well, she had a healthy baby boy, came through fine and now it would seem, she is happy (or maybe delirious from her own lack of sleep). In the end I hope that she will share with me this new life as she shared with me hours before his delivery. That conversation was an amazing gift. Yes we were texting each other the next morning in between her pushing, and me driving to visit my family in another state – modern technology. I'm hoping that our friend/sister-ship will find it's way back - even though she may say it never truly left. That it was on a crazy vacation, and now it's on the way back home. Maybe this child was the breath I was holding for the last nine-months and his safe birth allowed me to exhale. I do know as I saw the text that he arrived and they were both safe, I felt a sense of peace I’d not felt in a very, very long time.

So 2009 is going to be a 're-do' year. While I would love to take back the last 3 yrs I can’t…but this year was my leap-birthday year so yea, I can do that. I was having a conversation with someone that has helped a lot. She said that things usually happen in 3s’…and after that it all gets better. So you know what… Jan 18th it will be 3 yrs and then…it should get better. Actually, it’s getting better already. Even though surgery #5 is a few days after that, I’m hopeful yet my expectations, zero, zilch, nadda, none. See Change isn't just for Obama :-)

I want to know in my heart that after this next procedure I’ve done everything I could. That I’ve tried every option made available to me. Then and only then, can I shut this heavy door. That I can allow my heart to be open to what ever possibility that comes next. To be able to love and laugh freely and with a light spirit. I have learned and grown in a way I didn’t think possible. I want to thank Ms. Patti for being so divine and gracious and saying that it will all be ok. I really want to thank Annie Leibovitz for giving me the best photography advice ever. I am forever honored that she took a photo of us together with my camera. I carry around that picture with me as a reminder of what is possible. I guess anything is possible when you reach out to people and say, "This load is too heavy, can you please help me." The key is to accept what ever level of help they can provide, without expectation but with gratitude. Maybe even moreso when you say honestly "I'm sorry", they will forgive you.

So here’s to a new year, a new life, and a new attitude. There are no promises that I won’t ‘lose my mind’ at sometime in the future, but I hope that with complete understanding and love, I will continue to move forward and life will be as it's meant to be. For a very lucky woman living in a city I love, with family and friends and finding the strength to control the only thing I can...Me.

New Attitude: Ms. Patti LaBelle

Runnin’ hot,
Runnin’ cold,
I was runnin’ into overload,
That was extreme.

It took it so high, so low, so low there
was nowhere to go like a bad dream.

(Chorus)
Somehow that wires uncrossed,
The tables were turned,
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn.

I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes,
Know where I am going and I know what to do,
I've tidied up my point of view,
I've got a new attitude.

I'm in control,
My worries are few,
'Cause I got love like I never knew,
ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo...
I've got a new attitude,

I am wearing a new dress, a new hair,
Brand new ideas, as a matter of fact,
I've changed for good.

It must have been the cold nights, new moon,
New slight change
More that to figure, but I feel like I should, yes

Chorus…

16 days and you're on...

There is electricity in the air, and the change of seasons has nothing to do with it. This country is on eggshells knowing that in about 16 days, we will decide who is leading this country for the next four years. It will be, one of two men who has over the last year, promised to do everything short of walking on water to get your vote. That person will be the next President of the United States of America. What we, rather what I want to know is not what have you done in the past, I want to know what can you realistically do in your first 100 days in office? The key word is ‘realistically.’ No more promises because let's face, politicians don't have a strong record for keeping them. What can you do to help restore this country to one that is not only admired, but also respected by others worldwide?

I could give you my 42cents worth (the price of U.S. postage) but I won’t. I will say please, please all Americans, use this time to do something important. Do your own research. Have a conversation with someone whose opinion you respect. Speak with someone that is on the “same page” as you are. Have a conversation with someone who may have an opposing political view. Get the ‘facts’ not the fables. Forget "reality t.v." THIS, the future of the US is true reality. Remember Declare Your Vote you still have time. YOUR VOTE does count. Your VOICE is important and MUST be heard. Out of the country but a US citizen….No excuse!! In the Military - absolutely no excuse. Above are links for absentee forms. Don’t let not being here, be a reason that you just ‘accept’ whatever the final outcome is. Someone a very long time ago fought for, died for, burned a bra or two, left a country that oppressed him or her, sat in the front of instead of the back of a bus, marched for your right to make this decision. Don’t let anyone tell you, you don’t count. Remember you could be the deciding vote…probably not, but you get the point.

November 4th – Snow, Rain or Shine – VOTE!!!

My name is Lisa and through my sometimes rose-colored view,
I approve of this message ☺

Challenges build character or is that your press agent?

Ok, so I said that this was a week of change…it’s also been a week of challenge.
Let’s start with the change…can we talk about David Blaine? Don’t worry; I’ll make it quick and painless.

Living in NY you often see some strange things, and seeing David Blaine doesn’t normally rank among them, but he gets the most press. This week was no exception. I was actually going to see my friend Ethelyn (you remember her from Regis and Kelly’s High-Heel marathon - see July's blog for more details) only to find out that they changed the day of the ‘Relly Award’ presentation. She was nominated “Favorite Real Person: Female”, of course she is NO regular gal (and the best legs in NY). Sadly, she lost to Sister Paulene…guess you can’t fool around with one of the chosen ones – literally! So while in the area, I decided to see David in Central Park.

This week he decided that he was going to ‘hang out’ for 60 hours upside-down. Why…because he can. What they didn’t say is that it wouldn’t be for 60 consecutive hours (sign of a good publicist; I can respect that!). When I arrived, I stood around and waited a good 15 min for him to flip over again while he took a bathroom and tea break.

While no additional banks actually failed during his stunt, President Bush did think it would be ‘ok to address the nation on the current financial crisis.’ After all for the next 40 days he is still the president. David however, couldn’t complete his stunt as he wanted to because of this unplanned interruption. He blames the failure of his ‘dive of death’ on President Bush. Had the president not spoken to the nation – which I personally think is important, given I only have two nickels to rub together – there wouldn’t have been a delay in his show, the wind wouldn’t have picked up and he could have disappeared with the balloons in the night sky as he wanted to. Hey David, why not blame God for the wind? Better yet, why not blame yourself for not thinking of a plan B.

There is a hum of continued nervousness about the state of the economy. There were hundreds of both diplomats and protesters at the United Nations, as various heads of state were once again in town – blocking traffic and racing around the city with their motorcades like their hair was on fire. There were Sarah Palin impersonators (I guess the best form of flattery) and the lady herself, in the city meeting foreign dignitaries who proved that they are…just men after all. I didn’t get to see her while she was here, but did spot her husband at the park in Central park with their children. They seemed like every other normal family on the car Carousel…of course the big burly men with dark glasses, and earpieces stuck out sore thumbs. I appreciate the fact that the carousel in Central park is probably the only place that doesn’t close down when someone ‘important’ wants a ride. Pay your fair, and ride with the rest of us normal folks.

Shea Stadium will see it’s last regularly played Met’s game Sunday. Ok, so technically that happens next week, but Mets fans are just as sad as I was about Yankee stadium. What is my city coming to??

The weather is definitely taking a change. You can feel the beginnings of fall in the air. I love it. This is truly one of my favorite seasons, big sweaters, warm brandy and crisp breezes. Then again I also like spring for the same reasons. Of course this year, I will be experiencing it not in NY, but in a very, very, very different city. You’ll read about it soon. Maybe here; maybe on a different blog.

So where is the challenge you ask? I had two this week, but I don’t think I want to talk about it just yet. You know what I think I’ll approach this a different way. I think I’ll blog words or phrases to make my point. This way I can’t be accused of anything beyond, what I’m going to be accused for anyway. I know pretty lame, but you know what, I just don’t want to go down a road that makes me sad today. I have too much to do, and frankly would like to spend one day this week not feeling sad, so my challenge today, is to remember the words to the song ‘Don’t worry…be happy’.

What’s your challenge? Is it family, work, friends, children, or your partner? How do you address the issue without always being seen as ‘needy’ or ‘over the top’? Do people tell you to ‘get over it’ or ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘it could be worse’? How does that make you feel and do you tell them? I’m open to any suggestions, stories and/or comments.

After all we are all just trying to make it in this world, one day at a time. Life, even with its challenges is still the best option, right? ☺

The Yankees Have Left The Building...

Change…sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s just change. This week, there will be a LOT of changing going on. Let me start with something that made me cry (yea we know I do that at the drop of a hat, because I’m a Pisces – not because I’m a girl thank you very much!) I went to Yankee Stadium yesterday for the final game.

OH MY GOD! The House That Ruth Built closed the doors for the final time last night. Over 54,000 fans watched our beloved Yankees beat the Orioles, 7-3. YEA!

Something that will never change about fans of the New York Yankees: pride, tradition and most of all, we are the greatest fans in the world.


The day started with fans having the ability to walk the grounds, which is unheard of. You actually had the opportunity to touch the walls, feel the dirt (just don’t take any), and look up into the stands and for a moment, imagine yourself as a player looking at all your fans. If you ever wanted to see a grown man cry, it was yesterday. The feeling of good-will was overwhelming.
The pre-game started with so many former players on hand, Bernie Williams (who received the loudest and longest ovation), Whitey Ford, Willie Randolph, Yogi Berra, Reggie Jackson and Goose Gossage just to name a few.

So many memories that are within these walls:
Babe Ruth’s 60th Homerun in 1927; Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling in 1938, Lou Gehrig’s memorialized speech in 1933; Sandy Amoros’s winning catch, and Jackie Robinson’s stealing home base in 1955; Pele played with the Cosomos in 1977; Reggie Jackson’s three homers in the 1977 World Series; David Wells perfect game 1998; A-Rod’s 500th in 2007. It's the place where Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali, John Philip Sousa and Pink Floyd, Knute Rockne and Vince Lombardi, Billy Graham, 3 Popes, Nelson Mandela, John F. Kennedy and a ton of others have stood in this park and made their mark in history.

Yankee Stadium isn't just a ballpark; it’s MY ballpark. Of course I had to share the last game with the number one man in my life. My dad ROCKS!! I often say I was his son, until they had one. Along with teaching me to be strong and independent, he also taught me to change the oil in my car, hit a baseball, shoot a basketball, he tired to teach me to fish however, I draw the line with worms real or plastic YUCK!! We also share a passion for all sports (even though he is a Mets Fan). We call each other during commercials; during the play-offs, the Superbowl, Dancing with the Stars, and sometimes it’s so often, my mom just says “Hi”, and then passes the phone to him. Yup…a daddy’s girl!! Of course as I was at the ballpark, I called to share this with him. Yes your final game T-Shirt is in the mail. ☺

The new stadium is right across the street and it’s ‘pretty’, but it has no real character yet. I know New Yorkers…we are a pretty tough bunch. We tend to run the spectrum of emotions, yet we are loyal to the end. No matter how much we balk, we are die-heard fans. However, I would suspect that it will take something pretty amazing to have us fall in love immediately with this new ‘house’, say a championship in 2009 – hint, hint.


As I said, this week will be a week of changes and where one door closes, I hope and pray a new one, a good one opens. I will miss the old Yankee Stadium and regret not going to enough games. I do look forward to a new chapter in their book; I’m sure it will add to the new chapter in mine.

GO YANKEES!!!

Death Be Not Proud or Should it?? A tribute to Randy Pausch

Ok so I know not the normal light banter in the blog this week. No celebrity sightings to report, no new places discovered. SORRY! Frankly it’s been a week I would like to forget, but I did want to share something that’s been on my mind. Today I want to talk about death.

Now, before you start calling to see if I’m contemplating my own demise, I can only say it you REALLY know me, you know my thoughts on the subject of ending one’s own life. As I’ve said, ‘Once is more than enough!’

I remember being 16 or 17 and going on a church retreat with my youth group to St. Francis House in Oyster Bay N.Y. Back then this area in Long Island is filled with old mansions and older money. I haven’t been back lately so I don’t know what is there now, but anyway… Death was one of our topics of discussion and I remember being completely fascinated by it. What happens when you die? Is it like the movies [“Which Dreams May Come (rent the DVD) you can design your own bit of ‘heaven’ and all your friends/family and of course the dog (cat or you fill in the animal of choice) will be there when you think of them, but they also have their little corner of heaven]; do you immediately go to heaven (of course this is the choice destination) or do you head the other way. Is there truly a purgatory like Dante’s Inferno (which by the way scared the stuffing out of me); or the question I still have…”How do you know you’re dead?”

Of course there is no one I know who can tell me what it’s really like. Yes there are people who say, “Go to the light”, but do you really see your life flash before you like a movie on warp speed?

What got me thinking about this lately is the death of Tim Russet. I know he died several weeks ago, but there was something about the amazing out-pouring of love, admiration and affection for him. When you can get Tom Brokaw to promise to drink a bottle of Rolling Rock (which he admittedly “pilfered from Tim’s cooler’) on Election night to honor him as a journalist and lover of the political process. You can tell Tim really touched his life. Yes he was a great journalist, yes he was a loving son, husband, father and yes he loved the Buffalo Bills. This is a man who touched so many people and in death people wanted to express their gratitude for being touched by him. Like the funeral of Princess Diana, Pope JPII (who is still the best Pope ever!!!) Mother Theresa, and yes I’m embarrassed to say Anna Nicole I found myself once again glued to the television. I wondered if there was something morbid about that – getting sneaking a glimpse into their lives through the thoughts of their friends.

More recently there was Estelle Getty, one of TV’s ‘The Golden Girls’ who died this week. If you listen to the news they all remembered the joy and laughter she shared as an actress.
I also think of Randy Pausch who created "The Last Lecture". If you've never seen his talk on achieving your dreams and how he wanted to be remembered please do.

I find it almost interesting that people will say “XYZ died so young, in the prime of life.” You never hear anyone say “XYZ died right on time.” Death is not proud but how you live your life should be.

So my thought for this week … How do I want to be remembered? When it’s my turn, my ticket is punched, the gig is up…what ever you want to call it, what do I want my friends and family to say about me? Some of this is still a work in progress, and I hope to have the opportunity to live long enough to make it all reality.

I want to be remembered as a fiercely loyal daughter, sister, wife & friend.

A foodie who loved a good steak, great wine (not too earthy ☺) and a good piece of Lemon cake. Someone who loved to cook and yet was better at baking although I didn’t do it nearly enough. After all, how much can a girl eat and keep her girlish figure?

A photographer who tried to capture things others missed. Some things to make you laugh, cry or simply provoke thought. Someone who saw things through a different kind of lens; without fear or preconceived notion.

A writer who worked hard to capture the true essence of her characters and tell a story that was interesting to those who honored me by reading my words.

A Brooklyn DIVA who loved a cashmere wrap, and my Manolo Blahniks’. Someone who constantly wore orange, and/or pink and brown because they were my favorite colors.

As someone who wore my heart not on my sleeve but my fingertips (right B?). Yes it sometimes hurt, I wouldn’t live life any other way.

As a woman who desperately wanted to have a child, but God had another plan in mind. So I used the time I was given to love, teach and spoil my niece and nephews. I also shared myself fully with the children of my friends as auntie or Godmother. When the opportunity to become a foster mother and/or to adopt was available, I took it. The child, yet to be named, yet to be seen is truly my child because I needed them as much as then needed me.

Even though a die-hard New Yorker, Oxford was my second home, and at every opportunity I would go back to realign my spirit. It’s the place where being smart wasn’t a novelty, but more a matter of fact. ‘Have passport will fly’ is my motto and yes I’ve been known to fly to Copenhagen for a pound of butter and a new wool sweater.

I think most of all; I want to be remembered as a good person, someone who liked to have a good time and someone who just wanted to be happy. Even thought I hated my chocolate years (2006-2008), I tried not to complain too much, to be brave and helped others to know there are more kinds of cancer that target women beyond what you hear on TV or see advertised on the sides of buses and trains. Not taking anything thing aware from breast cancer survivors (really, believe me I’m not putting you down, or belittling what you go through), but you can get another breast. I can’t have another uterus. The pain of knowing that there are so few to champion the cause, the pain and suffering that is attached to a body part I’d grown pretty fond of is why I decided to make this my cause. This is my fight to bring awareness to an ‘unseen’ cancer.

So if I someday become famous or at the end of my life, I want you to come to my funeral “New Orleans Style”, No Black Allowed!! There should be balloons in vibrant colors that you will release (I promise to catch the orange one) to fly to the corners of the sky. I will be listening for ‘80’s’ old-school jams and I expect a lot of fun stories. I want you to have amazing food and smoke cigars. Please open a good bottle of scotch and drink to my life. Finally promise me you’ll dance…dance like there’s no tomorrow, because in reality it’s not promised, so why wait…dance for me today! How do you want to be remembered?