Did I do 25 in 52?

As I go over the list - I have mixed feelings.

The 'old' me is saying "you said you would do all these and you didn't - you failed".
The new me is saying "you really did 3/4 of them and that totally rocks!!"

So what didn't I complete....you know, the only one I'll disclose is the bikini. I didn't go any where warm and the scar still has me freaked out a bit, so no bikini in 09', but look out 2010.

It's funny that thing they call self-talk. What I find is that I spend more time than I need, finding my faults instead of saluting all the good things about myself. I have gotten a lot better, but I still have moments of doubt, despair and just plain fear. I wasn't one who got scared before, I don't know where it came from but it's here. You know, those moments of panic that I forgot someones birthday, or did I lock the car door, or is my zipper up?

Well there will be a new list next year, as soon as I can figure out what I want. Will I add the things I didn't finish this year...hmmm, maybe not. Maybe there aren't supposed to be finished, but just there for me to dream about. Maybe they were there as a stepping stone for my true self to dare to come into being again. Maybe, they were there, just because it sounded good. I don't know - I'm not that smart, nor that sneaky and frankly, it's way too early in the AM to ponder it.

I do know that I'm going to begin a list of things I want to do in the next 10 years and they will be BIG. I'm thinking...about 3-5 per year and if I do them out of order, or finish them up before that particular year is over,...I'll just move to the next year and add new dreams on the back end.

Yea, that's the ticket. So I hope you are dreaming big and if you have any suggestions, let me know. After all, you never know...

Top 25 are coming to a close

So many posts of late have been “deep or sad”. So today is a light.

Let’s go to the “Top 25 list”.

I’ve two months until this will become a new list – wow…six weeks until 2010, I can hardly believe it. They say when you get older time flies...and they are right. It's been a TRIP of a year...with interesting twists/turns and I'm sure...it's not over yet.

With all that said, this is a recap of what I've been able to accomplish so far:

I have a unique collection – I decided to collect pencils. I think as a writer, it makes the most sense to me. Pencils from hotels, restaurants, and even have a few friends who have traveled to different places and bring me a pencil from their trip. If you have any pretty ones from unique places, let me know.

I’ve hung with the band - GMA and Whitney Houston - THANKS WHITNEY!! This was her official come-back (even though she didn't really go anywhere) and it was a blast.

Capture the moment – Sloane-Kettering, reading of my story, and allowing myself to re-live that over & over with friends/family. I don't think people reading it really GOT IT, but hearing it, seeing it performed was what made it clear! THIS CRAP WAS HARD AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND! The best moment however was, “Everything seems to be ok, so no more surgeries, see you in Jan.” I waited so long for those words and there was music that filled the room when my Dr. said them to me. Yes que curtain...opening...not closing; soaring into light, not fading into black. Still waiting for relationships to hit that "capture the moment", moment.

Stay in a 5-Star hotel – I have a trip coming up and they are putting me in lovely hotel in Montreal. This will be my first time on a plane since…well…May 2008 and no fear of bag-bursting!! Yippie!!

Write and article and have it published – well I’ve written over 172 to date and just received an offer to be a contributing editor for Green Wedding Magazine in Jan. – WOW!! Guess I can put a sentence together (sticking my tongue out to those who said I couldn't - you KNOW who you are!).

Be an extra or on a video shoot – well…can I stretch this a bit? I was in a promo video for GetMarried magazine. Yes, only brides will see it but I'll take it!

Own an original work of art – There is a photo of a giant Waffle that cracks me up! I think the woman that I will forever link with that will laugh too...

Wear a bikini - top of the 2010 list…then again…the year isn’t over yet. Anyone want to invite me someplace warm??

Dubai – This is on the 2010 schedule, as well as Bimini (Feb - confirmed); Mexico, London and a few other place TBC.

Write 44 famous people and see who writes back – Hmmm, well I wrote 4 and maybe Christmas/holiday cards will be a good reason to complete the rest. I know...no slacking, but I've been writing two blogs, a column, still sending out resumes....my fingers hurt!

Create a food blog – This was a bit ambitious esp. since I still have trouble processing food. Maybe next year (if I can find a few more hours in the day).

Go to an event and sit in the good seats – Sitting the front row at both bridal and fashion week events was totally amazing!!

Reconnect with at least 1 person from my past – Done that, now what happens next…I’ll keep you posted.

Read the entire New Testament – just a few more chapters to go. It’s really a cool book. You should try it!

Make a difference in a life – I’ve been told that I did that with 3 different people this year. That really touched my heart.

Wear something expensive (I sat in a pair of Christian Loubouitin’s does that count) and yes they were totally sexy!! (Just as I was about to post this...a great woman Linda, sent info on the Manolo Blahnik pvt sale - $100....yes...I won't eat for a month but I'm bringing sexy back....)

Publish my book – it’s going into the last chapters and will be done in a few weeks. So I won’t publish it this year as I hoped but…it will be done and considering everything I’ve had to deal with this year – I’m pretty darn proud of myself!! It's a fun read and you know...when this is published (yes I'm confident it will be, even if I have to do it myself!!), I think people will be surprised how these characters took shape - I know I am!

Ask for help when I need it – I think this will be on any/every list from now until I die. I still have trouble doing this. Perhaps it’s because I’m often disappointed by people who are supposed to be my friends/care about me. I’m trying to live in the moment with everyone and will keep reminding them…”If you don’t want me to have expectations of you…stop your expectations of me”.

Take a picture with someone famous – Yup…Sylvia Weinstock, Preston Bailey. Again, they are in the wedding industry, but since that’s what’s paying me a few pennies these days, work with what ya got!

Go to 5-TV shows – yup done them. GMA, Martha 2X, The View 2X, Today on NBC

Dance under the stars – Sigh, not even close…maybe I have to find someone who can dance first..

Lose 30 lbs – 15 from July to now is a good start. I’ll be that size 6 next year if I have to take this Thanksgiving carving knife to my thighs to trim the extra fat myself.

Visit my family – loved each and every visit, exp when they came to NY for my last surgery we went to the Fancy Food Fair where we ate until we exploded! Even though dad loves his other daughter (Serina, yea the one that plays tennis :-) and Tiger and spent time watching them with me in the hospital, I know he loves me too. He just hated looking at the 'hole'. LOL...funny to see such a strong man, run out of the room at the sight of blood.

Someone with my name – yup and she gives good drugs. My anthologist I LOVE HER, and besides my Dr., she is the only person I trust in an operating room.

2009 is almost over. If you would have told me what twists and turns this year held, I would have thought you were nuts! For the most part I'm a much happier person. One never realizes just how much your health (both mental and physical) can lead you down one path or another. Its still slow go with rebuilding other parts of my life, but 2010 is another year and opportunity to see what transpires. I am grateful to God for my health, my family for their support, my friends for...well, sticking in there and I look forward to being a stronger 'newer' and definitely sexier person in 2010.

Can you beat the system?

I saw something the other day in the news. It was called ‘Moneybag Medicaid “Cheaters’ Pinched. What was it about – Millionaires, the folks that have money, can buy the best of anything/everything…but they claim they are poor and apply for Medicare. Medicaid, is meant for low-income families – this means folks that earn UNDER $10,000 per year and having less than $13,800 in all assets. Maybe these folks simply ‘missed’ the few extra $.00’s that are at the end of their bank statement. Maybe they simply think it’s their right, or maybe that is how the rich stay rich.

The Manhattan prosecutors’ office handed down indictments for 19 people who are accused of beating the system. I’m not talking about folks that have some cash, I mean a dentist who pulls in a six-figure salary as well as the owner of two waterfront mansions. The person who owns the homes, actually rents them out during the summer for $65,000 each. Now I know the housing/summer share market took a hit, but still come on dude!

What they are ‘finding out’ and I use that term very loosely, is that more and more are simply lying to get a health-insurance handout. Like Bernie Madoff, they just didn’t think they would get caught. You hear “let the rich taxes fund the $849Billion that’s needed for healthcare reform”. I don’t think that’s the only way, nor fair. Nor do I think that raising taxes, or limiting care to those who are not citizens, is the right way. Is it fair that people should have to choose between a doctor or their next meal simply because they can’t afford both? It amazes me that other countries can help their poor, have universal health care, and still have nations that thrive, but we, in the best country in the world, can’t because the ‘powers that be’ can’t play nice in the sand box.

You know everyone wants to come to America, but what are they bring with them? Tons of people say “if you can’t make it in NY you can’t make it anywhere”, well there is a lot more folks NOT making it, or hadn’t they noticed? There are those who want to be educated here, get financial aid and then go back to their own country without so much as a backwards glance to the country that made them what they are. I say if you want to close the boarders (of course people only think of Mexicans that cross the borders in the dark of night, or people from dictator countries that risk life/limb on rickety boats) then close them to all. That means no one coming from the Ukraine, Russia, China, Germany, or any other country. That means watching those visas and monitoring them. What you don’t have the manpower for that – well, hire people (that will stimulate the economy even if in just this sector). If you’re not here and can’t bring benefit to the US of A, then you are no longer welcome. When your country goes to war, don’t look to us to save you, because we obviously can’t save ourselves.

What do I believe? I believe that the US is a great place. We are a country that is welcoming to all who want to do right by her. I have friends from all cultures, countries and economic abilities. I think we have and continue to stick our nose in others affairs and don’t necessarily know how to say “No”. I think this war has gone on too long; it’s lost its focus (to find Osama Ben Laden) and now can’t get out. I think that this country should take a breath and take care of HOME first. What a difference that would make.

Respect is learned...so can someone teach the next generation?

For some reason I feel it necessary to begin with the following disclosure: “While I don’t have children of my own, I am an aunt, auntie, tiá, and ‘other-mother’ to the children of family and friends. These opinions are based on my love, passion, and desire to nurture the “little people” in my life and to help them become the best people possible.”

There!

What the hay is happening to our young people? They won’t pull up their pants (boys of ALL race, some girls are doing it – yes, folks, I’ve seen it with my own eyes), they continue to be loud and un-ruley and they are seeing the bad behavior of their parents and thinking it’s ok. ARGH!!

Here is a real story – I was on the train in NY recently when a group of school children entered. They couldn’t have been more than 6^th or 7^th grade. When a teacher reprimanded a young woman telling her to hold on and stop stepping on people as the train jerked her around, her fellow male classmate told the teacher “shut the ‘F’ up”. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I looked back and forth between the teacher and student, waiting for her reply…willing her to be strong….hoping that she would be like Sr. Mary Margaret and give him what for. Instead she just looked away – dejected and defeated.

“Have you lost your right mind?” I asked this kid – not to be confused with the mind he ‘left’ at home or where ever he was and thought he could talk to an adult any way he wanted. At this point he is trying to stare me down…obviously he didn’t get the text message that I have the original eye-brow arched stare and don’t easily scare. “What would your mother say to hear you speaking to an adult like that? This is a full-grown woman and not one of your little playmates. She was just looking out for your friend and deserves your respect. You should apologize”. The train went quiet, my heart was pounding and to my surprise – he did it. He said “sorry’, just above a whisper, but he did it. The teacher looked at me and mouthed “thanks”; I winked my acknowledgement and went back to reading my book. The next stop was mine, I got off and don’t know what happened after that. Hopefully he didn’t loose his mind again. I can dream right?

What this generation responds to, are the adult antics that they see. If a parent has a few drinks and drives with no consequences, it must be ok because you got where you needed to go safely. If uncle has a gun…well, it must be ok right because no one got shot. To create a flying saucer, have it released and then have an entire country on the edge of their seat, hoping that the ‘little boy inside’ is ok, only to find out that it’s a hoax…well, what harm did it really do right?

Where is the responsibility? Where are the responsible adults who are teaching them right from wrong? Where are the adults that are willing to say to a kid ‘straighten up and behave’? Where are the parents willing to be responsible for raising children that abide by the laws, treats others as they want to be treated and dare I say, actually do something instead of just drinkin’, druggin’ and wearing those ooh-so-low pants?

They do exist. I see my nephew a smart, well-behaved kid who loves sports, reading, his parents, grandparents and me. I see my friends’ daughters, who actually write me emails and ask my opinion. They often bounce ideas off me, and while they do think of me as a ‘auntie-friend’ and we have fun together, they are respectful. I have two friends that have just birthed the next generation of men (well not the entire generation, each had 1 son). I’m sure that they will teach them to respect adults, cherish women, right from wrong, and knowing them…they will be the kind of men very lucky women will have in 2040.

Why is a young person who is doing what is right such a surprise…shouldn’t it be the norm? I’m tired of stories about suburban teens getting hooked on drugs, girls being raped (or not –another blog ARGH!!) or college pro players being shot ON CAMPUS at a campus sponsored event. It may be simplistic, but …can’t we all just get along?

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A day to morn, a day to rejoice - Sept 11

Ah....I remember where I was Sept, 11 2001. I arrived early was sitting at my desk at Universal music. My BFF and i had a running joke that she could see me from her penthouse apt (which was just across the plaza from my office) so I was looking up to her window and waving good morning. I didn't really think she could see me, but it was something I did often.

About 8:55 my phone rang, it was my mom to say "hey, a plane crashed into the World Trade Center." I looked out my window and sure enough there was smoke coming from one of the towers. By this time my boss had arrived at work and we were looking at it together as he turned on the TV. Being in music industry there were things we were never without...stereo equipment, speakers (loudly) and TV - usually to MTV, but today we watched CNN.

Just as I settled into his chair to watch coverage, we heard the reporter say "there's another plane and it's turning into the tower". I'll never forget this...As I stood up and looked out the window, I could see the plane just at it struck. Holy Sh*t was the first time I'd ever heard my boss swear. Panic ensued. I tried to call my mom - line busy; I tried to call my BFF as her job was on the other side of Manhattan to see if she knew - line busy. People were now arriving at the office and no one knew what to do, say or what was happening.

I have memories of getting on the elevator, running across the courtyard to my BFF's house - the doorman knew me and was asking me what happened. I told him what little I knew, and then called up to her apt. Her boyfriend said that he had just spoken with her and she was on her way back to the apt. Relieved that she would be on her way I raced back to the office, and discussed the plan of getting everyone in our dept out and home. Of course for the people that lived in NJ there was no transportation in - or - out. NYC was in lock-down.

Once we made arrangements for hotels etc, I went back to my BFF's house and the doorman said "you're family is upstairs waiting for you". I knew what he meant and I think it was at that point she and her now husband did become my family. We cleaned out the fridge of food, and then went to the supermarket to buy more. Friends came over and we all were glued to the TV, just watching the horror over and over and over again. I stayed with them in their apt I think for 2 nights because I was just so scared to take the train home. None of us understood, or knew what was happening yet.

As I sat with BFF we had a telescope and let me just say some of the things I saw falling weren't scraps of paper. We watched, ate, drank copious amounts of ..., well everything and when the first tower fell...I watched stunned. When the second tower fell...I just cried.

Days later the NYTimes posted pictures of those "lost". Day after day I found pictures of friends, former boyfriends, a sales person at the shoe shop I knew.

Day after day the city remained quiet except for the firetrucks and police down at "ground zero". I did manage to grab my press pass and go down there to take pictures. What I remember most, the smell and the dust.

Fast forward, today still leaves me with mixed feelings. You can't change the fact that there no longer is Twin-Towers. If the bureaucrats would get off their butts and play nice, we could have rebuilt something already!! The lives of those killed and their family/friends will never be the same. Even if time heals, this is a day when the nation will constantly remind you. You never forget.

I know that a dear friend whose twin brother was a fireman has still to recover from losing his twin, and has since left his post as a fireman. He just couldn't take the constant reminder.

So what to do...morn and then live. Rejoice in their life. Remember the good times. Live the life they would have wanted for you to live. Pray for our solders who are fighting ... still.

Pray that it never happens again.

Money makes the world go round…

I met a rabbi one day (no this is not a joke); I told him that I wished that I had more money than I had. I told him that I was tired of being ‘poor’ (I know cry me a middle-class river), and wanted to be able to fly off to places whenever I wanted; I wanted a big house, I wanted to be surrounded by at least 2 children, family friends and a man who loved me. I asked him was it bad to be envious of people who ‘seemingly’ had it all? He said to me, there is nothing wrong with wish for, or wanting something that someone else has. The thing is, if you wish for the good, you have to take the un-seen bad that may come along with it. Talk about an ah-ha moment.

The moral to my story – I still wish I had the big house on the sprawling estate and the private jet, but I really don’t want the tax problems that come along with it because of the economy. The reality is – someday in the not to distant future, it will happen.

The rich…I’m not talking a few million, I mean the REALLY, really rich never seem to have any worries. They jet to exotic locations; they have the finest clothes, food and drink. The see something and they buy it. Then there are the rich that are just rich for no real good reason other than they can bounce/throw/hit a ball, or twist the financial industry around their fingers or they are trust-fund babies.

I’m not bashing people who have money and do good, they help their fellow man, spread the wealth, act…well, like normal people and not obnoxious snobs. I’m talking about the people who think that $90million for 3 years is a justifiable amount of money to throw a ball. I mean those that think swindling people (including their own family – glad we’re not related!!) out of their hard earned money/life savings. I mean those that get paid thousands for 15 min to show up at a party, and are famous for nothing at all.

People like the Kennedy’s (yea they have their own ‘stuff’, but in general they believe in service to all people – gotta give them credit for that), Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, these people have money, but they also believe in philanthropy, and the future generation. They are not ones to wear their bling on their sleeve, or flaunt their big homes, private jets, or fancy clothes – but you know they have it.

What does it mean to be wealthy? Is it only monetary? Can we stretch and say it includes family, friends, and if we have a few nickels to rub together (or some good food, wine, music and lots of laughter) that is the whole package? If you have the great family but live in a hut or have a so-so- family but live in Bel-Aire whom would you think the ‘richer person’? Guess it depends on what you need.

I’m lucky – I have a great family and an interesting group of friends. It’s a mix of nationalities, experiences and circumstances. They run the range of friends from grammar school to graduate school. They are black, white, Asian, Hispanic and Indian. They are crazy wealthy, and not so much. There is even European Royalty in there that is a complete nut job, but I love her anyway. If you are looking for someone who is rich, look at the people they keep close to him or her. They are the people you know you can count on and not just because you can get them tickets to a concert, or the latest designer bag free.

Am I wealthy? You bet I am. Maybe not celebrity wealthy, but I am where it counts.

Hot, fat and sticky. - weather and men, making me crazy

If your initial thought was "she's going to write about food this week", you're wrong.

It has been hot here in NY. So hot that I had to actually turn on the air conditioner - which in turn, gave me a cold. The kind of cold where you're hot and yet your skin is cold and clammy. With all the other health stuff I've dealt with this summer, this was the last thing I need. Then again in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal.

The last time I wrote it was about things that made me go "Grrrr". I thought I was done, no such luck. I'm hoping you can help me understand the following:

Men playing sports, getting paid a lot of money and then throwing it away. WHY?

I was asked if I thought Michael Vick being reinstated by the NFL Commissioner was fair especially since Pete Rose is still fighting to be instated into the Hall of Fame. Since I like sports I figured I would try to tackle this.

Let's begin with Michael Vick. He did a stupid, vile, unimaginable thing. Ok, I said it to get that out of the way. However, he went to prison and served his legal debt to society, and I think he should be allowed to try to put back together his life. Our prison systems have always said that they were creating a place where prisoners could be rehabilitated no matter what their crime. Not all can be, but at least they are given the opportunity to be. If we don't allow people who have served their time back into society, they'll just remain predators. Do I have a very decided line on hardened criminals (sexual predictors, murders) yes! Do I think Michael Vick falls into that category, no. He was just stupid - and acting stupidly is his crime.

What the commissioner has done by having him reinstated, represents the league (all of them). Now, if no team wanted to sign him because of the issues that will come with him, that's one thing. However this is purely a business decision - you know dollars/cents. The Philadelphia Eagles see him as an asset. He came cheap, and yes he has the skill to bring them a much needed/wanted title. It's just like having a 'normal' job - as long as you produce, make the boss look good, prove your worth, you're wanted. The moment you no longer can produce to benefit their profit margin - "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

Michael Vick, Plaxo both have to realize that they are not finding a cure for cancer, they are playing a sport. To be able to do what they do is a privilege not a right. Maybe they won't be as cocky. Maybe they will appreciate the talent they were given. Maybe they won't think the but for them goes the team. Vick the world is watching, and Plaxo...you'll get your turn in a few years. Do your time, learn your lesson and please don't do it again. If either of you do - they you absolutely deserve what you get.

Pete Rose, this is a totally different ball in play. It may sound crazy but, baseball has a "morality code" written in the bylaws for consideration that 'a player's personal conduct should be considered not just his abilities as a player'. To the best of my knowledge, football doesn't have such a clause - it's just about how you play and how many games we can win. Rose committed the ultimate sin in sports. He bet on his own game. Even people who don't follow sports understand that the integrity of the game was marred when he did that. If players and managers are betting on their sport, their own team (either for/against) then you can't be sure they aren't fixing things to win those bets.

We as a society want to hold celebrities and sports personalities up to a standard of almost demi-god. When they fall from grace, then we treat them a lot like gum on our shoe. We are as fickle as we are loyal to our team. Like people in Europe, you are 'born into' a team and heaven forbid you decide you don't like them anymore.

People, we are the ones that are paying crazy money for tickets to see players/these games and we should no must, hold players, managers, teams and the league accountable. There can't be any doubt in the integrity of the team or its players. These are the people that young boys (and girls) hold up as heroes. Maybe their parents should be the real hero, but that's another story. I'm all for giving opportunities and having people being proven guilty vs. innocent, but come on! If you were 170 at the end of the season and after 4 months off, you are now 260 - either you need to push back from the table or those "vitamins" that you are being injected with are not what they seem.

Barry Bonds, Clemens, McGuire, Sosa, A-Rod - all of these guys 'allegedly' use steroids in one form or another. I tell you, I want to reach through the tv and smack them when they say "he just gave me a shot - I thought it was a vitamin". HOW DUMB ARE YOU?? They were good ball players to begin with and just threw it all away. You just didn't think you would get caught. You thought your 'name' made you 'untouchable'. Hmmmm talk about ego!

I once has a boss who said ALL THE TIME "There are no tears in baseball". I'm not sure what she meant by it, but I do know that Plaxo, Vic and Rose (and a lot more players before it's done), will be shedding tears. I don't think so much for loss of their 'star' status as much as their 'star paycheck'.

Can you believe that summer is 1/2 over already?

Wacky weather is what’s been going on here in NY. Actually, I’ve been enjoying it. Sunny days or “wake you up from your sleep” kind of storms at night. I love that I can wake up the next morning and its cool and clean – a great way to start the day.

This year hasn’t been like others when it comes to weather – I don’t think we’ve even hit 90 yet. Not that I mind…it saves on the electric bill, which is a good thing.

So what’s new on the list? A Lot!

I’ve looked at my 25 list and realize that I’ve accomplished almost 1/2. I’m pretty proud of that. Yes, there are a few more to go, but I think I can get them done by the end of the year.

There are tons of friends that have traveled this summer – to Fire Island (NY), San Sano (Italy), London (UK) and New Orleans (LA) – hey I want my pralines Kelli!! J It’s been fun hearing about their adventures as I begin to plan my own. After all, it’s been a while since I’ve been anywhere fun and I deserve it. So…as I dream…London, Amsterdam, San Francisco are on my short list…but even shorter is a trip to Montreal, which I will be doing in Sept. YEA!! This other little writing project I have, has presented an opportunity to visit a destination in Montreal, at the expense of the vendor. Totally rocks right?! One of the last times I was there, was so much fun and the people were truly amazing. Yes, really looking forward to this. I’ll absolutely post pictures when I do.

This also makes me think what do I want to do for the rest of the year.

A Job is an absolute.

“Perfect” health – or at least really, really close.

Finish the book (3/4 there, but I’ve already written the last chapter)

Spend time with my family and friends. There are so many additions to both; it will be nice to hang out with them.

Be content that I’m a work in progress and the final masterpiece will be spectacular. Lol

Guess I should get started huh?

A good quote can make you go hmmmm

A few days ago I happened upon this quote:

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

I thought to myself – this is the story of my life…or at least the life I have lived the last 3.5 yrs. My reality was as follows:

I can no longer wear heels

I can no longer eat what I want to because it clogs the illy

I can’t go anywhere without fear that this bag will explode – which it has done several times

I can no longer be in a bikini

I am no longer sexy or appealing to anyone

I can no longer wear form-fitting clothes or anything smaller than a size14

I will never be able to function like I did before

I will never be able to trust people I thought of as friends, family, or any other title given again

I will always feel let-down, disappointed

No one truly understands what it’s like to live like this day in, day out

I will just have to fake it until it becomes a part of life like brushing my teeth

I will have to fake it because

I won’t ever feel whole again.

These are just a few of the things I battled daily – no hourly with living with an ileostomy. I often felt like the stereotypical ‘fat’ person…you never see a sad ‘fat’ person…so those moments – the real moments when pain ripped though my body, moments when I spent hours crying because that was truly all I could do, when asked I simply responded “I’m fine” because the history with some was “they really don’t want to hear the truth anyway”.

So life is taking on a different reality – it’s a 2 X 2.5 X 2.5 hole that is where my ‘illy’ used to be. By all things natural I’m thrilled even as I look at the crater that is packed with gauze daily by my nurse. I know that it will close itself in a few weeks and then as someone said “life will get back to normal”. My question is “what is that?” What is ‘normal’?

This quote makes me think about my life, my family, my friends…and what reality is. Reality isn’t that they necessarily stop caring – they just go on with life. Reality isn’t necessarily that after an event that is important to YOU (meaning me!!) should be allowed to be minimized by people who have no clue to what you’ve gone through and even less to whom you really are. Reality doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments of sadness, or tears or still an occasional pity-party. Reality is that each of us heals on our own time. No one can rush the process; no one can tell you to get over it; no one can take away what is your present reality.

So what does this have to do with the quote…well my changes started in December and yes I still have my faults. A lot of them perhaps, but I’m not the same person I was circa 2006. I’m not the same person I was circa June 30, 2009. I’m hoping I won’t be the same person in a few months from now. I’m hoping I’ll be more grounded, more self-assured, more confident. I don’t want to be the ‘old Lisa’…I couldn’t even if I did want to. That person in effect – died and so did some of her dreams. What I want is for people who are my friends, for my family, to acknowledge that this was a journey that I traveled alone. Even with well wishes, and prayer…it was something – no an existence that I lived alone. Daily. Now, I’m moving past it – maybe not as quickly as you would like…hey, it’s not as quickly as I would like, but there is another Lisa that will emerge out of the ashes, like a Phoenix and I will fly again. I will live again. I AM Living Now.

I guess the moral of this as I re-read what I’ve just written…is ‘closure’ is finally happening.

What does 1247, the number 5 and June 30 have in common?

Re-print of a letter I sent to my friends about 10 days ago. I would hum the "Jeopardy" theme song here, but I won't. Instead give me a few moments to share something with you.

Jan 18th, will always be the day that changed my life in more ways than I can count. It was the day that I had my hysterectomy and began a life with an ileostomy. As you all know, it's been a constant roller coaster ride with doctors, surgeries, life changes, emotions, etc. Through it all, those of you I now send this too have been my support, have prayed with me, cried with me, held me up, stood with me when I was in a good mood and those days that were horrible, tried to understand and provided cocktails and wet noses when that was needed. It's been a trip and honestly, didn't like the ride. (no news flash here!)

This past December I gave it up to God. After the absolute nightmare of living in Boston (the exception being Dr. Goldberg at Brigham Womans in Boston who explained everything clearly and told me my options and continues to take my calls, and Sophia who was an angel that morning after Halloween in Beacon Hill and every email after), struggling to find a job, coming back home was the best thing.

* Being in the care of doctors at Sloane-Kettering and in therapy was where I needed to be to deal with my issues.

* For being in the arms of the "Women of Cornerstone - my sisters" who were the first people I spoke aloud my hurt, sadness, fear, disgust, disappointment; they prayed with and for me, in a way I needed. They never judged me and always asked "are there anymore tissues??" after I shared. :-) Thanks L. I-S., for the blind-sided birthday gift when in reality, YOU and your girls are the gift to me. :-)

* I also think, no know the writing program ('Visible Ink') at Sloane-Kettering helped me write it out. Telling MY story was the key to releasing all of this. The written word somehow is more powerful or maybe, it's just easier understood. I can't thank my editor enough for knowing exactly how much to push, being an additional support system and knowing when to just let me be - but for not too long. She is not only my editor, she is a dear friend.


* Finally there is Ms. Patti LaBelle who sang "New Attitude" a night I was in the middle of a deep despair, pain, guilt and sense of loss. It was the moment that changed my life. Hey if it's going to be changed, why not by someone like Patti?

I'm getting to the point - just hang with me a bit longer.

This New Year, I was going to have - or at least try to have a 'New Attitude' regarding living with the ileostomy as January 20, was to be my 5th surgery. It was in my head and heart, going to be the last one and I was ok with it - finally. If you've ever had surgery that's one thing...to have 5 and have the results remain the same, to have your hopes of it being a success only to find out it wasn't, it's another. Nope not going through it again; I was going to create a new life and live-life. I'd let these 3 yrs change me and not all the changes were good. Took a while, but I learned.

After much waiting since Jan., tests, a false/positive, another test, doctor on vacation (not once but twice, then him sick), the results are final and positive. So number 5 was the magic number. The ileostomy will be reversed.

So after 1247 days (and if you add each number and reduce to a single number, it is 5), June 30th I will have the reversal of the ileostomy. How crazy is that?? I know technically that will be surgery #6, thereby shooting my 5 being the magic number to shreds so please, don't point it out - I already know. :-)

To those of you who were there from the beginning, middle or end; to those who never left me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, love and understanding - even if you didn't always understand or thought I should "get over it already/move past it". Please continue to hold me in your prayers and bear with me a bit longer as my body re-learns how to function and what emotions that may bring. For those of you who were able to share in the reading of "Thank you Ms.Patti" with me that night 2 months ago (esp you mom), you saw me feeling better about myself. It was the happiest I've been in a LONG time and I can't thank you enough for coming (esp. my NJ/NC crew). I've learned a lot about myself, family, friendships and life during this time.

Let me say that I continue to pray that this is the last surgery I will ever have, only time will tell. Even though you looked at me and didn't see a bag hanging from me, it was there. I will forever be different because of this experience and the scar a reminder. As I said, there is going to be a 're-learning' period of bodily function (is that too graphic??), but I look forward to loosing the weight, wearing my heels (which had to be put away and you know I love me some Manalos), getting better and having my body back. I hope to have the story of this experience finished by Aug/Sept. The names have been changed but you'll know who you are. :-) I can't wait to share in the 'birth' of this novel with you.

Felicitaciones to U.S. Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor - YEA!!!

I am so proud of her my heart is going to burst!! I am proud of the fact that she is a Woman!! I am proud that she is a Latina!! I am proud that she is “more qualified than any other Supreme Court Justice at their time of their confirmation”!! I am really proud that Pres. Obama is brave enough to take a chance.

Now…let’s get to brass tacks (as my Constitutional law professor would say). Is she the right one? Well if you look at her record she is consistent, she is fair, she is a scholar of the law. She is also someone both parties have moved up the legal food chain (the first Pres. Bush then Pres. Clinton). She should be a good pick to make ‘most’ happy. Right?

Some will feel that she is too much a moderate, others will wonder her stance on Roe v. Wade, yet others will say that her problem is that she is empathetic and that’s not what the supreme court needs. They will say that the law rulings should be based on the law and not feeling. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the law. Maybe your personal experiences should come into play.

Let’s face it…the law wasn’t written for people who were African American, Gay, or Women. It was written for men, by men because at the time, women were worth just a bit more than cattle. African Americans/Blacks at the time were slaves so they definitely didn’t count. I can’t recall if there were Gay men even though some would say that there were, just without the name.

I hear the GOP belly-aching Pres. Obama nominated her because she is a woman – but didn’t you do the same thing with Gov. Palin? There is no way you’re going to tell me that you didn’t pick Palin AFTER Pres. Obama passed on now Secretary of State Clinton, because you thought you would get the woman vote. The difference, Judge Sotomayor IS a woman AND qualified.

This judge is not the answer to every Hispanic’s (or women or minority) prayer, but she is someone who has experience that pertains to a certain population that the other justices don’t. Justices Thurgood Marshall, Stephen Breyer and Sandra Day O’Connor are among my favorite Justices. I want to something here about Justice Clarence Thomas – not my favorite Justice. I have met him before and frankly, I don’t think he reflect the African-American population at all. Then again, given his own remarks, Clarence Thomas shouldn’t have any problem with her. Isn’t he the first one to say “people of color shouldn’t expect things to be handed to them, but pull themselves up by their boot-straps like I did and go after the American dream.” Well Justice Thomas, that’s what Judge Sotomayor has done and continues to do. While I’m a bit sad Gov. Deval Patrick, of Boston didn’t get the nod, there is always hope that one day there will be another African-American male justice to balance Justice Thomas factor. Can we remember that the law is supposed to be a reflection of our peers? While it’s still missing a few members (Native American, Asian, Gay and others), I think this is a good first step.

I look forward to the confirmation hearings, I want to hear how the GOP will try to take her down, I look forward to hearing a woman who will remain composed and factual take them all on. More than that, I look forward to seeing another woman on the bench. She has said that few things have not changed: her feeling of herself as “not completely a part of the worlds I inhabit,” as she said in one speech; her drive and ambition; and her willingness to speak up about her own identity as a Latina and a woman. In many ways, she is walking through a door she pushed open herself. On the bench, Judge Sotomayor may be a careful deliberator, but off it she is a tireless advocate for Latinos.

All the best Judge Sotomayor and from one Yankee Fan to another – HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK GIRLFRIEND!!!

Sigh....words DO hurt

I met a friend today. Someone who I'd not seen in about 5 years. He is tall, dark, extremely handsome and oh so funny. We spent the afternoon laughing, telling jokes, poking fun at each other and just having a good time. It was so comfortable and probably the most fun I've had in a very, very, very long time. So what's the problem right?

Well, being super conscious of what I wear, I had on a flowing top and jeans that I thought 'held in' everything. As they say..."not so much!" We walked into a shop and there was an older woman handing out samples of some 'juice that will get things going', as she winked at him and then looked at me. He, being a true southern gentleman said "thank you Miss Kathy" as he took a swig of this "all natural, all healthy, have you 'swinging-from-the-celling' dark purple looking thing". She then looked at me and said..."I would give you some but it has just a bit of alcohol in it and I see you're expecting..." Of course I'm not, as my pal nearly spit his drink out. I was so shocked and taken aback that I simply said "I'm not and no thank you anyway".

We continued walking through this shop and I fell quiet. He looked at me and tried to make light of it and then true to his southern good-nature gave me a quick hug, said don't worry about it; I think you look great.

I wanted to run back to her and say you "so and so!!" How dare you make assumptions just because I'm wearing a flowing top. Do you know how stupid you are? Don't you know that I've been battling health issues as well as what I look like issues even when I was healthy and I'm super conscious about what I wear? Do you know that if this was a date (which it totally wasn't), I would have felt mortified, but instead I'm with a friend who knows my health history and he gets it? What an idiot you are!! Instead her words brought back pain, tears and sad memories - yet again. More than that, she had no idea - how could she? Just when I think I'm over the hump...

Look I'm know this older than dirt woman, who is doing this little part-time job to get some extra money didn't mean any harm, but it made me think yet again about word, what is and isn't said. I wondered if I was truly 'pregnant' and not just dealing with an illness that makes me 'look pregnant' would I have felt the same. Would I have been giddy, because this 'little bump was visible'? I know that I am often pissed-off when men don't give a very visible woman their seat on the train or bus, but they are VERY pregnant. That frustration is another blog entirely.

Words to some are just words. I dare to differ. I think what you say or rather what the very young and very old say is a true measure of what they think/feel. For the young, they are being honest - meaning they haven't learned to monitor - or dare I say lie convincingly yet so if I 5 year old says "you look fat"...you probably are. For the older person, I get the feeling that its 'I've lived a long time and I can say what ever I want to". Neither is correct although a child is more forgivable.

I won't say that everything I say is proper - nor correct. Not everything I write is roses or even grammatically correct :-). However as my friend Kristen said to me "when you write something that is so 'out of character' it makes me wonder what really is happening and I don't want to be the person you're angry at." Just now, I thought of the old 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. That's not true - it does hurt.

So the next time you see someone - think before you open your mouth. If I woman looks like she's about to give birth any moment now...then I think it's pretty safe to say she's pregnant. If you have a moment of such anger that it's blinding, still try to pick your words carefully. Once the words come out of your mouth (or your computer keys), you can't take them back and sometimes the only thing that can make them better is a hug from a friend who says "It's ok, I love you just the way you are".

Turn off the lights and let the world continue to shine

On Saturday, March 28, 2009, at 8:30 pm, I am taking part in Earth Hour-a global event in which millions of people will turn out their lights to make a statement of concern about our planet and climate change. I want to invite you to join, too! Sponsored by World Wildlife Fund, Earth Hour got started just two years ago and is now the largest event of its kind in the world. Last year, more than 50 million participated and the lights went out at the Empire State Building, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Sydney Opera House and the Coliseum in Rome, just to name a few. Even Google's homepage went black for the day! In Israel, President Shimon Peres personally turned off lights in Tel Aviv.

This year, Earth Hour will be even bigger-already 250 cities in 74 countries have agreed to take part including Atlanta, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami and Nashville with more signing up every day. Around the world cities like Moscow, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Shanghai and Mexico City will turn out their lights.

But Earth Hour isn't just for big cities-anyone can participate. To get a better sense of the event, check out this video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjWD8pbK5t8

Participating in Earth Hour is easy, fun and free. I hope you will join me for this amazing event. To sign up, visit http://www.earthhourUS.org where you'll learn more including ways you can spread the word about Earth Hour, plus creative things to do when the lights go out in case you need inspiration!

We want the US to turn out more lights than any other country in the world during this historic event so please pass this note along to anyone you think might want to take part. Let's all turn out and take action on March 28 at 8:30 pm.

25 things update...

Oh....it's really early in the morning and I can't sleep. So the TV is playing some ... something in the background and I'm here working on the 'great novel' and since I have a bit of a mental block (no comments from the peanut gallery people!!;-)) I decided to do a bit of blog clean-up.

As you know, I've given up the resolution and decided to just be productive and proactive this year. I've been working on 25 things to do in the next 52 weeks. I have no pressure to complete them, but they are pretty cool goals. What I noticed in the program is when you complete a goal - it takes it off your list - which in and of itself is a good thing...BUT...it also takes it off the list. So if you've been reading it, at one point it said "20 of 25 things"...NOW it says 25 again. I decided to re-post the entire list and then just subtract it via the blog. It's also one of my new tags so if you want to just view this progress just click on 25things. Make sense?

So here is an update of what I've been able to complete:
Go to 5 TV Shows:
I know for this may be no big deal since I've been on the show SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. I've been an actual guest and have my picture with Martha, Zac Posen in the amazing dress Zac custom made for me. OH The Dress!! I should take a pic of it and post it as that's as close as I'll ever come to wearing it again. Just imagine a man telling you to put on a dress and then with the largest pair of scissors I've ever seen - cut the excess material while you are standing IN the dress. Talk about scary! This gives the term 'cut to fit' an entirely different meaning. I love that dress!! Maybe one day I'll...nah...

Anyway this show they have an amazing Australian chef Pete Evans ("My Table" is a wonderful book which we got as a take-home gift) and people making children's toys out of cardboard - I kid you not (no pun intended). Not that I'll ever have a need for a cardboard oven, felt cherry pie or cardboard picnic bench, it was cute. The View, Rachel Ray, Mike and Julie and Late Night are some of the additional shows I'm looking to attend. I'd really LOVE Ellen, but I can't afford the California trip and I'm sure she's booked for the season already. Maybe next year.

STILL Reconnecting with people from my past:
Recently I got a Facebook invitation to connect with someone I'll call 'Richard S.' So I look at this picture of a guy - have no clue who he is. I looked to see who we had 'in common'. There was one girl I'll call 'Robin P'. So being the polite person my mom taught me to be I said "I'll be happy to add you as a friend, if you just tell me who you are and how we know each other beyond having 'Robin' in common. I'm looking and looking at this picture, saying the name and nope, nothing comes to mind. I get a reply a day later that says "We went to grammar school together at St. Angela Hall in Brooklyn and you were the first girl I ever had a crush on. I was best friends with 'Saul B', and at that moment all the bells whistles began to B-O-N-G. Of course I remembered him at that point. So I'm thinking...I never knew he had a crush on me and it's taken him more than 30 years to tell me this? Needless to say we will be getting together in the future to catch up with a few other classmates we've connected with. Isn't that crazy?!?

Reading the New Testament:
OK so I'll admit this is going to be a slow go. I have tons of questions, but thanks to the retreat I attended a few weeks ago, I have a pocket-sized version and am taking it with me everywhere. I'm trying to read it like a novel - sadly, it's not quite that easy. I will make sure it's done and will keep you posted.

Write an article and have it published:
I have been asked to write and submit an article which will be included in an anthology. Isn't that great!! I know - why not lead with this as an update - I'm still a bit shy about it. I wrote 3 pieces and 2 of them are being seriously considered. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Once this is finalized (I should know in about 3 weeks), I'll post the pieces as well as the final name of the book. YEA, finally a published author.

Write 44 people and see if they reply:
Ok, so I've finally gotten serious about this one. I have about 28 so far on my list (sorry Oprah nor Martha didn't make it) and it continues to grow. I think this is a really interesting experiment to see who will take the time to reply. You know I'll keep you posted on the final list of people and their replies.

Oh well...that's just about all I have today. It's about 3:53am now and I've been up for about 2 hrs. I think I'm going to get back into bed and see if sleep comes my way.

How about those New Year's Resolutions???

Have you taken a look around and realized that those ‘golden resolutions’ are in the golden garbage can?? I think that’s why I decided to lay off the pressure on myself this year. I’ve put myself under enough pressure just to get my life in general back to normal…I’m not trying to make myself nuts.

I did want to take this month to offer a months worth of things I’ve been seeing in magazines and hearing on the news as possible things to help you get through the rest of the shortest month in the year. Hey no pressure – just some things to think about.

1 – Since there are only three weekends in February, your recession budget for fun and frolic will go a little further.
2- Valentines Day is past so you have yet another 365 days to worry about buying that box of chocolate
3 – This is President’s Day Weekend – so you have a three-day weekend and a short week – what a double bonus.
4 – If you live where there is tons of snow, you can burn up to 400 calories per hour (good to know if you ate the entire box of chocolate)
5 – If you live in NY like I do, during this month because it is still so cold, you don’t have to battle the crazy cyclists and the cabs at the same time and the line at TXTS (the outdoor discount Broadway ticket center) is much shorter.
6 - The trees are still bare so all of those really beautiful estates in Long Island, you know the ones with the long driveways, you can see from the road without going up the driveway (not that you could get in anyway)
7- Turtlenecks hide many a mistake.
8- If you didn’t get expensive chocolate for yourself, you can buy it yourself and say it’s from someone else. (oh come on…you never sent your self flowers and they played coy about who sent them??).
9 – We are getting closer to spring each and every day. That’s something to smile about.
10 – There are at least 300-plus days until you have to battle those holiday shops again (or at least 200 until you start seeing cards and decorations in the shops).
11 – If you live in a beautiful tree-lined block where there are apartments that connect (some places call them brownstones like in Brooklyn) without the air conditioning units hanging in the windows you can see just how beautiful the buildings actually are.
12 – There are still at least 4 months until you have to get into that bikini, but sales for them are right now, so shop early.
14 – No guest visiting you in their right mind wants to go on one of those open-air tour buses now – still too cold.
15 – You can actually leave your groceries in your car for an hour if you need to stop into another shop without fear that they will spoil too quickly. I don’t recommend it, but hey your trunk can act as a mini-fridge.
16 – You don’t have to rake, mow, prune, or weed for a few more weeks.
17 – We have just 3 whole months until Memorial Day and the beginning of summer. Oh, that may put a bit of panic with numbers 4 and 7.
18 - It’s easier to be a Good Samaritan; if you’re in a car, let people walking cross the street before you make the turn. Knowing you helped their frostbitten bodies get to their destination faster should provide you with a warm fuzzy.
19 – If you love Peeps (a marshmallow candy)– get Peeps valentines and hold them until Easter to greet your Peeps bunnies.
20 – If you are a college basketball fan…It’s almost MARCH MADDNESS.
21 – There are shorter lines at just about - well everywhere.
22 – The streets aren’t nearly as crowded so it’s easier to get by and if you choose to, it’s ok to do a Sunday stroll even if it’s Tuesday.
23 – There are still 6 months until we have to worry who will take Bret Farve’s place for the Jets.
24 – When all else fails – there’s always Facebook.
25 – Because of the recession this year’s vineyards should have some of their best bottles at reduced prices.
26 – It’s still cold enough for fireplaces, blankets and good books with out feeling like you HAVE TO be outside.
27 – President Obama plans to sign $787 billion stimulus plan which will hopefully begin to turn the economy around.
28 – It’s the last day of the coldest month of the year – that’s reason enough right.

…29 – It’s only 1,126 more days until my Birthday (Feb 29th – yes it’s a real day/reason to celebrate the BEST DAY of the month). I’ll be 12. ☺

This Valentines Day...let's give the guys a break

Love sculpture - New York, NY

I feel like the last several posts have been...shall I say, a bit 'political'. In an effort to change focus, let me say that I am a total, complete and true die-hard romantic. I make no apologies to anyone who says I'm crazy and it doesn't exist. I've been in that kind of dreamy love before so I know it does.

I believe in first-true love. I believe in real tight hugs, kisses and stolen glances from across the room. I believe in walking down the street, holding the hand of your partner and not having your hands stuffed in your pockets. I believe in couples walking together and not one ahead of the other. I believe that when you are so deeply and completely in love, there isn't another feeling like it in the world. I also believe that these types of expressions of love and affection shouldn't just be on Christmas or the second most expensive day of the year - Valentines Day. It should be year-round and maybe for a lucky few it is.

I'm not saying that February 14th shouldn't be celebrated. Hey, I think Leap-Year (Feb 29th) should be declared a national holiday (then again it's my birthday, so I'm a bit bias...). I love any reason to party, get/give a gift and just have a good time. Shoes on sale - order a good steak; friend lost some weight - hey you must go dancing; told a good joke...I'm all for a pitcher of Sangria. I love to be with friends and lovers and party until dawn. That's why I feel so bad for guys this week, but I do wonder two things:

1 - Why it is expected that guys have to spend money (in some cases money they don't have) on flowers (that are actually cheaper if you buy them the day before) and chocolate just on this day. I also know some guys that take this opportunity to buy the lingerie that they 'think' their significant other wants. It makes me wonder if it's more like what they want. I've heard a guy say "she gets what she wants and so do I" - either way just get the right size (for your own sake!!)

2 - Why women put so much pressure on their significant other to 'come through or don't come home'. I would rather have flowers 'just because' when it's more thoughtful vs. getting them because the person in my life feels he 'has to'. Talk about a lot of pressure. It's just not fair.

Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to receive flowers and while I'm not a chocolate kind of girl, a surprise slice of my favorite Lemon Cake would be nice. Then again...so would a walk in the park or him sitting through a 'chick-flick' once in a while. I also know that getting a surprise just because for me, would mean more.

This is probably the only time I feel sorry for guys - it's a lot of pressure to come through. I want to propose something to all my girls. Let's either give them a break and/or give them valentines gifts as well. I mean fair is fair right?

Maybe this is the is the year that we get back to basics. Maybe this is the year we celebrate just having someone special in our lives vs. the amount of money that can be spent for this one 'day to celebrate love'. I want love, the spirit of love, the passion of love, the mystery of love, and the love of love to be 365 days a year. Told you I'm a romantic. Let me however say if you want to pick a real day to celebrate - make it the day of your lovers birth after all, if they weren't born, you wouldn't be together right??

What I'm hoping is that love will be more than a day, like Christmas is more than just about a gift. I'm hoping that love, mutual respect and true partnership will be the calling card for 2009. I still hope that your heart is open and loves walks in.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love sculpture - Brooklyn, NYC

Thank you Ms. Patti...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Are you familiar with Patti LaBelle’s “New Attitude”? Well this is my theme for 2009.

Actually after three years of dealing with a medical issue (yes, it was the 'size of a grapefruit' but it wasn't the kind of tumor that will kill you), at the end of November I got the news I’ve been waiting for. It came from a sweet Santa Clause faced doctor in Boston. He said, “There’s nothing else that can be done that is guaranteed so the ileostomy is permanent. Permanent – as in: not going away, it's forever, it’s here, it’s weird, get used to it.

95% of you don’t know much about me. This blog was originally an experiment I wanted to try, to get me writing the next great novel. Today, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I never wanted or rather during the last 3 years, and 4 surgeries later, never wanted to get to know this thing called an ileostomy. I didn’t want to be its friend. I wanted it to go back where it was originally, I wanted to have my body back. I wanted to look the same way I did, slim and a great 4-pac from years Pilates. It seems that God had a very different plan. Frankly, and honestly (believe me he knows so this is no secret) I’m really pissed off!!

There I was 41, in great shape, and finally with a good guy. These are supposed to be the happiest times in my life right? WRONG! The surgery, a radical hysterectomy which removed this tumor, left me 37 lbs lighter (looking emaciated – great diet, wouldn’t recommend it), but more than the weight loss during this time, I lost me. I felt out of shape after now months of not being able to exercise, never clean enough no matter how often I showered, and just not of my own body. The once vibrant woman became frustrated, angry, depressed and for the first time the person who ‘fixed every one else’s problems, kissed their boo-boos and made them better’, I couldn’t fix my own. Neither could anyone else.

It seemed every 6 months there was a new procedure; trying a new way. Another overnight round of poking/probing and more good drugs to help with the pain. I’ve had this procedure so often I knew my anesthesiologists by name. Another woman whose name happens to be ‘Lisa’ and yes given our ‘relationship’, we’ve become friends. She is the one who made sure I felt no pain and had a wonderful sleep. She was also the one who ever so gently made sure I woke up. I am forever grateful to her warm hands in a cold operating room, and being the last smiling face I saw, assuring me that it would be over soon.

I have gone through the ‘waiting and hoping and wishing and praying’ only to wait 3 months, re-do the very painful exam and tests and be told that it didn’t work…this time. Of course it is expected that I would keep it together, keep a brave face, continue to be ‘strong’, keep moving on with life because after all…it’s not ‘really cancer’…as if the loss of a body part (and one I grew pretty fond of) and what it signifies, is any less a loss.

The pain, numbed for the surgery would come back 100fold every time I heard the words ‘it didn’t work’. It was a roller-coaster ride that wouldn't stop. The highs were so high and I was so hopeful. The lows so low, that I survived as it were, on 3 hrs of sleep a night. I wish I could adequately put into words what this, no I allowed this to do, to my life. A lot of areas in my life suffered. I missed out on or in all honesty half-stepped on a joyous time for a friend. Not just any friend, my BF. In all my frustration for surgery #4, I couldn’t fully embrace her pregnancy but I tried. While happy for her and shopping for this new baby, I found myself in Babies R Us and when the sales girl asked me when I was due, the bottom of my heart dropped. You see with all the weight I’d lost immediately after the surgery, I gained it all back and then some. The stoma sticks out and causes the ‘illusion’ of a small baby bump. As this poor girl apologized when I told her I wasn’t pregnant I realized something. The woman I shared everything with, my sista-girl, the person whose secrets I know and who knows mine, the one I shared every hope and dream with, I couldn’t share this with her. I would never feel a baby kick inside me. I would never know the 'joy' that so many women including my own mother shared…and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

AND if one more person tells me “Well you can always adopt.” I’m going to SCREAM…LOUDLY!! Even though, maybe one day I will.

Wanting to rejoice, I instead withdrew. Wanting to know what it felt like, I found it hard to look at her growing belly. Wanting to be with her, to fuss for her, we both kept our distance not wanting to cause the other pain. There was self-pity, self-doubt, in other words…not a happy time. I needed to get a grip on so many things that happened but most of all, why I couldn’t be fixed. Why people couldn’t understand what this was doing to me (mentally, emotionally, physically), how to feel ‘whole again’. Why life was moving backwards, and yes I went into “Why Me” mode. The answer was simple…Why Not Me?!

A cold-grey day after my relocation to Boston (a temporary thing), yet another new doctor, 4-double scotches (yes, single malt), feeling desperately alone and more tears than I can count, I came to grips with what will be my new life. You see, I found out sitting in the public gardens of Boston, that I had a choice. I could continue to feel sorry for myself, or I could embrace (no matter how sucky it is) the changes I’ve gone through and would continue to go through. I could ask for forgiveness not only of my family and friends, but from myself. It seems my expectations are too high.

Don’t get me wrong I HATE it and surgery #5 is early next year. I still feel like a whale; would give anything for 1 full night sleep and dare I say give up sleep, just to feel sexy again. Hopefully that too will come...soon.

During this time I had two other friends: one who also gave birth to a beautiful little girl and another who was finally successful in conceiving. My joy for them was and comes from a different place. They are friends yes, but our connections are different - does that make any sense? Most recently I met a woman at Memorial Sloan-Kettering while waiting to see my doctor who I struck up a conversation with. Somehow the topic of children came up I explained to her my situation. She, a much older woman also had also had hysterectomy in her early 40's. She shared with me that all the sisters, cousins in her life had children and she rejoiced in their pregnancies, but when her BF became pregnant, there was something that happened that caused them to go through a similar rough time. When I asked her what happened in the end, she said that they went through their time feeling their way and slowly worked their way back. She is now the god-mother to this womans second child, and their friendship has lasted 30+ years.

So what happened to my BF? Well, she had a healthy baby boy, came through fine and now it would seem, she is happy (or maybe delirious from her own lack of sleep). In the end I hope that she will share with me this new life as she shared with me hours before his delivery. That conversation was an amazing gift. Yes we were texting each other the next morning in between her pushing, and me driving to visit my family in another state – modern technology. I'm hoping that our friend/sister-ship will find it's way back - even though she may say it never truly left. That it was on a crazy vacation, and now it's on the way back home. Maybe this child was the breath I was holding for the last nine-months and his safe birth allowed me to exhale. I do know as I saw the text that he arrived and they were both safe, I felt a sense of peace I’d not felt in a very, very long time.

So 2009 is going to be a 're-do' year. While I would love to take back the last 3 yrs I can’t…but this year was my leap-birthday year so yea, I can do that. I was having a conversation with someone that has helped a lot. She said that things usually happen in 3s’…and after that it all gets better. So you know what… Jan 18th it will be 3 yrs and then…it should get better. Actually, it’s getting better already. Even though surgery #5 is a few days after that, I’m hopeful yet my expectations, zero, zilch, nadda, none. See Change isn't just for Obama :-)

I want to know in my heart that after this next procedure I’ve done everything I could. That I’ve tried every option made available to me. Then and only then, can I shut this heavy door. That I can allow my heart to be open to what ever possibility that comes next. To be able to love and laugh freely and with a light spirit. I have learned and grown in a way I didn’t think possible. I want to thank Ms. Patti for being so divine and gracious and saying that it will all be ok. I really want to thank Annie Leibovitz for giving me the best photography advice ever. I am forever honored that she took a photo of us together with my camera. I carry around that picture with me as a reminder of what is possible. I guess anything is possible when you reach out to people and say, "This load is too heavy, can you please help me." The key is to accept what ever level of help they can provide, without expectation but with gratitude. Maybe even moreso when you say honestly "I'm sorry", they will forgive you.

So here’s to a new year, a new life, and a new attitude. There are no promises that I won’t ‘lose my mind’ at sometime in the future, but I hope that with complete understanding and love, I will continue to move forward and life will be as it's meant to be. For a very lucky woman living in a city I love, with family and friends and finding the strength to control the only thing I can...Me.

New Attitude: Ms. Patti LaBelle

Runnin’ hot,
Runnin’ cold,
I was runnin’ into overload,
That was extreme.

It took it so high, so low, so low there
was nowhere to go like a bad dream.

(Chorus)
Somehow that wires uncrossed,
The tables were turned,
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn.

I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes,
Know where I am going and I know what to do,
I've tidied up my point of view,
I've got a new attitude.

I'm in control,
My worries are few,
'Cause I got love like I never knew,
ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo...
I've got a new attitude,

I am wearing a new dress, a new hair,
Brand new ideas, as a matter of fact,
I've changed for good.

It must have been the cold nights, new moon,
New slight change
More that to figure, but I feel like I should, yes

Chorus…